I was an arsonist in my youth

1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?

I’ve kept matches away from her. When I was 6 I lit a match that razed someone’s house to the ground. It was not pleasant, even The Bells (my father) who loves me dearly, and always protected me from my crazy Dingbat (my mother) watched grimly while she tanned my hide.

2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?

Yes The Pickle has an educator plan and her dad has set up a trust-fundy type thing so that we can at least help her buy her first car or home. The educator plan is brilliant, by the time The Pickle needs to go to varsity my salary, god forbid I will still be working for a salary then, will all be mine! The plan will cover everything from books to res, (I’m kicking her out the minute I get a proper excuse) and pocket money.

3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?

I have yet to forgive myself for losing custody of The Pickle to her father which meant she spent the first years of her life living with a deranged moron from outer space who thinks it’s OK to teach my kid to play chess before she turns 3 and generally infect her with his OCD.

4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?

Two years. I did not tear. I was with a very good doctor who cut me very nicely and sewed me up just as well. I was ditched by my ex and so did not want to have sex, which had landed me with a baby in the first place. I had a very good relationship with the Chardonnay for those two years and then one day woke up horny. It took me about six months, after these two years, to psyche myself up enough to let a penis enter me punani.