[this is a duplicate from my blog]
Black as White: Chapter 25 - A benediction
The humming machines, surrounding the sleeping and heavily bandaged child are starting to get to the woman who sits typing away on her computer and she frowns a little looking over at the man who sits close to the bed, holding the sleeping child’s hand in his and looking tortured.
It’s been a trying couple of days.
The phone call from a derange Dingbat with the curt instruction, “Get to Such and Such Hospital Pickle is dying” had embedded an unbelieving fear in her heart. By the time she arrives in hospital, the doors to the operation room have been firmly shut and The Dingbat sits on a bench in a waiting room looking lost. Lebo is clutching her hands in silent prayer and jumps to her feet when the woman rushes in.
“What is happening, where is she? What happened?” the questions are quick, fired in staccato fashion, commanding results.
“She is in theater sisi! She was ran over by a car. Her legs are broken and the doctors say there is something wrong with her head,” in her distress Lebo has abandoned English, and replies in her Sesotho, a language the other woman barely understands.
The Dingbat makes a half hearted attempt to get up, she slumps back in her chair and for the first time in years, she calls her daughter by her preferred name, “Bridget, my child …” the younger woman looks away.
Not now mother, she is thinking. Not now.
Whirling she makes for the nurses station. It’s a futile walk she knows, the doctors working on The Pickle will not be available. The only option is a vigil.
“Who are the doctors working on the little girl who just came in?” she asks the competent looking nurse who reels off an impressive sounding list. Jotting them down on the notebook the woman must have grabbed out of habit she asks, “Do you guys have wireless Internet in this hospital?” The answer is yes. Thank God for medical aid, Al Gore and the forward thinkingness of the man who decided to put a coffee shop in the hospital.
Flicking open the borrowed cellphone she has been using she starts making calls.
“Pappy, our little girl in hospital, being operated on …” She doesn’t get to finish, before the volley of questions begins. She tries to answer them but she is on edge.
“Just get here dammit!”
“S4, get to Such and Such hospital, Pickle was in an accident. I need you. And bring me a laptop please.”
“Lovely 1, Pickle is in Such and Such hospital. Please round up the girls, it looks bad. I need you guys.”
Heading back to the waiting room she watches he mother crying with aloofness. Not just yet.
“Did you let Daddy know?” she asks looking at The Dingbat who nods looking stricken.
When S4 arrives, followed closely by three terrified-looking women they all converge on her and surround her with love. For the first time since she has had the news, she is sobbing.
The group practically carries her out to a nearby restaurant and order her a drink.
“For the shock hun, medicinal,” Lovely 2 says in an attempt to lighten the mood. They head back to the hospital with sandwiches for Lebo and Dingbat.
The young woman pulls out the laptop and tells her blogging chums. She chats to a friend who is in England, she chats to another friend. Any one. Take me away from here WWW.
The Pappy arrives, he is sobbing, he wants answers, we have none. Bringing up the rear is The Bells, my father, the man capable to kissing away my fear. He kisses my forehead and says, "I'm here and your mother is sorry."
Seven hours after walking into the hospital, the doctors come into the waiting room.
“Who are the parents?” One asks the assembled group. The Pappy jumps up and looks at me expectantly. I stand up, then immediately collapse back into the chair. The laptop has crashed on the floor.
Jesus no. Please no.
“She is going to be fine.”
It’s a like a benediction.
At 4 in the morning The Pickle wakes up.
“Mammo? Can Mr Darcy come live with us please?”
I’m sobbing as I answer yes. I hate cats, but I love my daughter.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
I was an arsonist in my youth
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
I’ve kept matches away from her. When I was 6 I lit a match that razed someone’s house to the ground. It was not pleasant, even The Bells (my father) who loves me dearly, and always protected me from my crazy Dingbat (my mother) watched grimly while she tanned my hide.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
Yes The Pickle has an educator plan and her dad has set up a trust-fundy type thing so that we can at least help her buy her first car or home. The educator plan is brilliant, by the time The Pickle needs to go to varsity my salary, god forbid I will still be working for a salary then, will all be mine! The plan will cover everything from books to res, (I’m kicking her out the minute I get a proper excuse) and pocket money.
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
I have yet to forgive myself for losing custody of The Pickle to her father which meant she spent the first years of her life living with a deranged moron from outer space who thinks it’s OK to teach my kid to play chess before she turns 3 and generally infect her with his OCD.
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
Two years. I did not tear. I was with a very good doctor who cut me very nicely and sewed me up just as well. I was ditched by my ex and so did not want to have sex, which had landed me with a baby in the first place. I had a very good relationship with the Chardonnay for those two years and then one day woke up horny. It took me about six months, after these two years, to psyche myself up enough to let a penis enter me punani.
I’ve kept matches away from her. When I was 6 I lit a match that razed someone’s house to the ground. It was not pleasant, even The Bells (my father) who loves me dearly, and always protected me from my crazy Dingbat (my mother) watched grimly while she tanned my hide.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
Yes The Pickle has an educator plan and her dad has set up a trust-fundy type thing so that we can at least help her buy her first car or home. The educator plan is brilliant, by the time The Pickle needs to go to varsity my salary, god forbid I will still be working for a salary then, will all be mine! The plan will cover everything from books to res, (I’m kicking her out the minute I get a proper excuse) and pocket money.
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
I have yet to forgive myself for losing custody of The Pickle to her father which meant she spent the first years of her life living with a deranged moron from outer space who thinks it’s OK to teach my kid to play chess before she turns 3 and generally infect her with his OCD.
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
Two years. I did not tear. I was with a very good doctor who cut me very nicely and sewed me up just as well. I was ditched by my ex and so did not want to have sex, which had landed me with a baby in the first place. I had a very good relationship with the Chardonnay for those two years and then one day woke up horny. It took me about six months, after these two years, to psyche myself up enough to let a penis enter me punani.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Peace And Quiet… For A Little While At Least…
My darling Damien… the centre of my li’l universe, the bane of my existence, the apple of my eye, the one who drives me insane… is going on a school camp for three days. He’s coughing like crazy- I think because he’s trying to smoke less for Flower’s sake- but he wants to go, and it’s a school curriculum requirement… and I need him to go.
The last coupla weeks I have not wanted to be a mommy anymore. I haven’t mentioned the Damien drama in a while because it seems that sometimes that’s all I post about- but it never ever goes away. We have good days and bad days, but it never goes away. Frankly, I am exhausted bunnies.
I am so tired of arguing with him.
I am so tired of repeating myself.
I am so tired of his lack of respect and his total lack of deference.
I am so tired of being constantly suspicious.
I have never met anyone so selfish and it breaks my heart… what the hell did I do to make him this way? How can he be so self centered, I’m pretty damn sure that’s not what I taught him.
It’s like nothing matters and no one counts unless he benefits directly.
You want an example of why he exhausts me so?
My bedroom has two doors. My flat used to have a verandah- enclosed before I moved in- and my bedroom had a glass door leading onto this verandah. It’s had a bookshelf in front of it for the longest time and I don’t use it. I lock my door and keep the key with me- partly so Taxi will leave Grampa Scratchy alone for a bit, but mostly to keep Damien out of my bedroom and my things. The other night I went into my room to organise clothes for work the next day and feed the old man and such like and I closed the door behind me. The next thing- Taxi appears from behind the curtains at the glass door! I go and look and see the door is open, and the bookshelf on the other side has been pushed back far enough to allow Damien’s skinny frame access to my bedroom as and when he likes.
So now I’m seriously pissed off.
Not only has Grampa Scratchy had no peace since I don’t know when- but Damien has been sneaky enough to come and go into my room as he pleases without moving the bookshelf enough to be noticeable from the livingroom.
Fucking hell.
I pulled the door shut and locked it, and those keys are now inside my locked bedroom.
Just thinking about how he screws the people who are supposed to be on his side pisses me off all over again.
What the hell am I going to do!!?!
How the hell is he ever going to be a grownup!!?!
The last coupla weeks I have not wanted to be a mommy anymore. I haven’t mentioned the Damien drama in a while because it seems that sometimes that’s all I post about- but it never ever goes away. We have good days and bad days, but it never goes away. Frankly, I am exhausted bunnies.
I am so tired of arguing with him.
I am so tired of repeating myself.
I am so tired of his lack of respect and his total lack of deference.
I am so tired of being constantly suspicious.
I have never met anyone so selfish and it breaks my heart… what the hell did I do to make him this way? How can he be so self centered, I’m pretty damn sure that’s not what I taught him.
It’s like nothing matters and no one counts unless he benefits directly.
You want an example of why he exhausts me so?
My bedroom has two doors. My flat used to have a verandah- enclosed before I moved in- and my bedroom had a glass door leading onto this verandah. It’s had a bookshelf in front of it for the longest time and I don’t use it. I lock my door and keep the key with me- partly so Taxi will leave Grampa Scratchy alone for a bit, but mostly to keep Damien out of my bedroom and my things. The other night I went into my room to organise clothes for work the next day and feed the old man and such like and I closed the door behind me. The next thing- Taxi appears from behind the curtains at the glass door! I go and look and see the door is open, and the bookshelf on the other side has been pushed back far enough to allow Damien’s skinny frame access to my bedroom as and when he likes.
So now I’m seriously pissed off.
Not only has Grampa Scratchy had no peace since I don’t know when- but Damien has been sneaky enough to come and go into my room as he pleases without moving the bookshelf enough to be noticeable from the livingroom.
Fucking hell.
I pulled the door shut and locked it, and those keys are now inside my locked bedroom.
Just thinking about how he screws the people who are supposed to be on his side pisses me off all over again.
What the hell am I going to do!!?!
How the hell is he ever going to be a grownup!!?!
Homework on the first day of school?
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
I'm going to have to agree with Kerryn and say, yes. A lot. An extraordinary amount. Basically, I'm going for the exact opposite of my childhood.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
We have RESPs in Canada which are eligible for Government grants, depending on the other sorts of Provincial and Federal aide you get. So um, yeah, when I found out about that and that I didn't even have to put money in, myself, I signed my kiddo up for one. Thanks to her being born, I have now leeched another $650 out of the Government of Canada.
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
Possible? Maybe. For me? Nope, not going to happen. The guilt keeps me in line. The guilt is the reason I try to do better. Without the guilt, it'd just be this full-time, naked child, Dora the Explorer themed, pizza party up in here. But it's a nice thought, really. *pats hand, sincerely*
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
Really? Want? Or feel like I had to cuz, well, it was part of my job as housewife? Like Sweets and Kerryn, my baby totally ripped me a new one - I wasn't walking properly upright for a couple of months. It took me about eight weeks to agree and suffer through it, but it really took me about six months to want it. Then the 14-year old boy in me was unleashed, again.
I'm going to have to agree with Kerryn and say, yes. A lot. An extraordinary amount. Basically, I'm going for the exact opposite of my childhood.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
We have RESPs in Canada which are eligible for Government grants, depending on the other sorts of Provincial and Federal aide you get. So um, yeah, when I found out about that and that I didn't even have to put money in, myself, I signed my kiddo up for one. Thanks to her being born, I have now leeched another $650 out of the Government of Canada.
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
Possible? Maybe. For me? Nope, not going to happen. The guilt keeps me in line. The guilt is the reason I try to do better. Without the guilt, it'd just be this full-time, naked child, Dora the Explorer themed, pizza party up in here. But it's a nice thought, really. *pats hand, sincerely*
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
Really? Want? Or feel like I had to cuz, well, it was part of my job as housewife? Like Sweets and Kerryn, my baby totally ripped me a new one - I wasn't walking properly upright for a couple of months. It took me about eight weeks to agree and suffer through it, but it really took me about six months to want it. Then the 14-year old boy in me was unleashed, again.
When Bad Means Good
Picture it: I get this comment on my blog at midnight (my time), inviting me to contribute to another blog. I do a little dance - I shake the space between my waist and thighs where some women have an ass and I have only tattoos and stretch marks. I rejoice because someone has finally noticed. I'm a Bad Mommy.
Sure, laziness and shameless plugging, but if you want a little more info on me other than the fact that I am Canadian, a terminal dork, and have a bad attitude, check out the psych profile.
Now, I hear someone's dog eating my homework...
Can't wait to get to know y'all better!
Sure, laziness and shameless plugging, but if you want a little more info on me other than the fact that I am Canadian, a terminal dork, and have a bad attitude, check out the psych profile.
Now, I hear someone's dog eating my homework...
Can't wait to get to know y'all better!
cami answers more questions while she's ill...
That's right. I'm not feeling well. My husband was sick for a week, my daughter was sick for a week (and still is) and now I'm sick. So I'm grumbly and coughing and tired. Plus I'm bored, oh so very bored...
and then I noticed that Angel set us some homework, I'm hoping that for at least 10 minutes that will take the boredom away...
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
I had an awful babysitter when we lived in Texas, she used the bible as an excuse to be an over bearing tyrant to the children in her care. I've always hoped I can keep K out of situations like that one.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet wants to go to college or varsity?
Currently it is called the piggy bank... but we need to start up her account
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
possible yes. easy? not in a million years.
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
It was about a month before I wanted it, but I had a very traumatic delivery so I did as i was told and waited until I had seen my doctor at 6 weeks. I'm not a glutton for punishment or a sex maniac... I just really missed it and I had been so ill during my pregnancy that very little sex was being had then. Mr. Kaos was really afraid of hurting me, afraid that we were jumping back in the saddle too soon. But everything worked out just fine ;)
and then I noticed that Angel set us some homework, I'm hoping that for at least 10 minutes that will take the boredom away...
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
I had an awful babysitter when we lived in Texas, she used the bible as an excuse to be an over bearing tyrant to the children in her care. I've always hoped I can keep K out of situations like that one.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet wants to go to college or varsity?
Currently it is called the piggy bank... but we need to start up her account
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
possible yes. easy? not in a million years.
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
It was about a month before I wanted it, but I had a very traumatic delivery so I did as i was told and waited until I had seen my doctor at 6 weeks. I'm not a glutton for punishment or a sex maniac... I just really missed it and I had been so ill during my pregnancy that very little sex was being had then. Mr. Kaos was really afraid of hurting me, afraid that we were jumping back in the saddle too soon. But everything worked out just fine ;)
Homework - Angel
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
There are many moments, both good and bad that influence me ALOT in raising Ciara. I don't really want to expand on that, so, I'll just leave it as Yes, many.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
Well, yes. Actually I have. I have an education policy which matures in 2015 for her tertiary education. Although she will only matriculate in 2018, I will possible re-invest the money at the time. I will pay for her tertiary education, as well as buy her a car when she turns 21. Her wedding gift will be a house. She deserves all the things I never had.
(Please note that this is my dream. Actually doing it is a completely different story)
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
For all the stupid things I say and do - Definitely Yes. For being a single, working mom - No way. I have huge guilt about not being able to fetch her after school, and being tired and busy when I get home from work. I deal with this guilt in many different ways, but mostly by dedicating what ever time I have left over to her (to the detriment of my own social life and sanity!)
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
*Blush* Like Sweets, I also tore. My initial thought was "Sex, you are kidding me? - not until she's four buddy!" I honestly can't remember. It took a loooong time for me to 'get back to normal', so I guess it was a couple of months.
There are many moments, both good and bad that influence me ALOT in raising Ciara. I don't really want to expand on that, so, I'll just leave it as Yes, many.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
Well, yes. Actually I have. I have an education policy which matures in 2015 for her tertiary education. Although she will only matriculate in 2018, I will possible re-invest the money at the time. I will pay for her tertiary education, as well as buy her a car when she turns 21. Her wedding gift will be a house. She deserves all the things I never had.
(Please note that this is my dream. Actually doing it is a completely different story)
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
For all the stupid things I say and do - Definitely Yes. For being a single, working mom - No way. I have huge guilt about not being able to fetch her after school, and being tired and busy when I get home from work. I deal with this guilt in many different ways, but mostly by dedicating what ever time I have left over to her (to the detriment of my own social life and sanity!)
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
*Blush* Like Sweets, I also tore. My initial thought was "Sex, you are kidding me? - not until she's four buddy!" I honestly can't remember. It took a loooong time for me to 'get back to normal', so I guess it was a couple of months.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sweets answers difficult questions!!
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
when i think back on my childhood i really only have good memories, in that way i really really want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood, so i work hard building memories, making a huge thing of christmas, birthdays and such.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
hell no... i should i know but there is so much to buy and so little money ;) i have a life policy on my ex, that has a savings portion, i'll probably use that when the time comes... otherwise i'll help them get student loans, i think that kids should be helped to be able to help themselves.
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
yes, but only if the kids forgive you. for example: last night i had a talk with kay, we had an issue and he still holds it against me... and i told him if he's not going to forgive me then things are never going to get better... everybody makes mistakes and even the kids have to learn how to forgive, so if you're forgiven it's way easier!
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
oh man... whahahahahahahaha... TMI coming up, be warned: i tore really badly giving birth so i walked like a duck for ages... i was so scared that having sex will tear everything open again... so my hubby got addicted to blow jobs ;)
when i think back on my childhood i really only have good memories, in that way i really really want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood, so i work hard building memories, making a huge thing of christmas, birthdays and such.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
hell no... i should i know but there is so much to buy and so little money ;) i have a life policy on my ex, that has a savings portion, i'll probably use that when the time comes... otherwise i'll help them get student loans, i think that kids should be helped to be able to help themselves.
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
yes, but only if the kids forgive you. for example: last night i had a talk with kay, we had an issue and he still holds it against me... and i told him if he's not going to forgive me then things are never going to get better... everybody makes mistakes and even the kids have to learn how to forgive, so if you're forgiven it's way easier!
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
oh man... whahahahahahahaha... TMI coming up, be warned: i tore really badly giving birth so i walked like a duck for ages... i was so scared that having sex will tear everything open again... so my hubby got addicted to blow jobs ;)
My Angel Assignment
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
Um.....not really. Hold on, let me give this some more thought. Okay. Well, my father (my parents were divorced from when I was very, very young) had a lot of girlfriends. Let me rephrase. A lot of psycho girlfriends. Who weren't very nice to me, who hated me, in fact.
This made me promise myself that if things didn't work out with the father of my baby, the guy would have to be spectacular in order to be introduced to my kids. My kids would come before any man, and if they didn't like him, I would ditch him. No questions asked.
On the other hand, my dad came to every school play, prize-giving event, basically all of my school stuff. He was there without fail. This was very cool, and I plan to do the same for The Kid.
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
I did when I found out I was pregnant. Only I spent it this month. Will start it again soon. It wasn't that much, only a couple of grand, but still...
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
I have written about this before. The Kid is still very new, I haven't really made any major mistakes with him yet. But, like my mother always used to tell my sister "parenting is not a popularity contest. If you dont like the things I do...tough!"
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
About 2 weeks. I'd had a c-section, and didn't understand why I had to wait 6 weeks before having sex. But my libido is definitely much lower now. Poor Luke has to beg. A lot. Makes me feel bad, but sometimes I think - the point of sex is to make babies. We've done that, so now what's the point?
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Here Follows Your Angel Assignment
Whew... my turn... this was rather daunting- coming up with a decent set of questions after answering all the others already posted! I hope I don't disappoint... and feel free to answer them in the comment section of you are NOT a bad mommy blogger.
Ready...?
Stead...
GO!!!
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
Ready...?
Stead...
GO!!!
1. Do you remember a particular incident or moment from your own childhood that has influenced the way you raise your offspring?
2. Have you started some kind of savings plan or investment thingy for when your kidlet(s) wants to go to college or varsity?
3. Do you think it’s possible to let go of “mommy guilt”, to forgive yourself and move on, to do better?
4. How long after giving birth did you want to have sex?
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