Child Protégé, Indeed.

(Crossposted from SA Parent Life)

So, there you were, all newborn and fresh and cute and your dad and I were swallowed up by new baby love.

Then, after six weeks of “continual awake/asleep/feed me/change me/and that’s all I do – isn’t that easy?” phasing… the worst thing happened.

All of a sudden, you were AWAKE. AWAKE and staring at me. Goading me to “go on, now entertain me”.

So, we did. We bought the bloody expensive Baby Einstein. Convinced ourselves we were, as a result, nurturing your hidden talents and growing ourselves a true blue child protégé. We just KNEW we were the BEST parents ever.

Of course, that was the exact moment you started to totally ignore the television.

So, back to the world’s largest baby superstore we went. And invested small African countries’ GDPs in “educational toys”, utterly enamoured by the idea that WE were doing the BEST for our little pumpkin. SHE was going to grow up and CHANGE the world.

And we brought them home, showed them to you, and you gave them exactly thirteen seconds’ attention before throwing them back at me.

And turned your attention back to the television.

So, we kept on going. Trying everything. Reading. Reading to you and with you was a HUGE priority in our lives because someone (and approximately fifteen child-rearing books) said…

“You know, children who read from a young age really learn to talk faster?”

And there we were, talking to you and reading up a storm. CONVINCED that we were STILL growing a child protégé. I even went as far as saying:

“Well, my daughter is already mouthing words and making word-sounding babbles. She’s SO clever”

Why did nobody stop me and say something like “Oh, you’re going to regret this one…”

And then, you were walking and talking. You said “mama” one Thursday night and I just held you and cried and laughed and smiled.

I WAS SO PROUD.

Until, of course, the day came. Anyone who is a parent knows this. The day comes where you begin to regret being so eager for your child to speak and talk and communicate.

And yes, folks, that day was a Tuesday morning.

You’d been sick, poor thing. There’d been mess and vomit and pooh.

So, I cleaned us both up, started the mammoth laundry task. Tried to pry my fatigued eyes open to remember how to turn the machine on.

Both of us so tired and grubby.

And there I was, standing beside the machine. And you called me that name I know and love so well now.

“Mama?”

So, I turned and looked at you, my poor little sick child.

“Yes, Cameron?”

And you looked back at me, with your innocent eyes, all your precious teeth grinning at me.

And then you said, “F*ck.”
.
“Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.” ~Author Unknown

introduction - c@th

So, here I am, doing my introductory homework, because I am failing dismally with the househunt this morning - sigh. Not my fault they will not put the perfect address up for rent.

1. Post a picture of your kids.


this is my favourite one of the two of us. i look about three thousand years older than i really am, but i don't care. it's from the december holidays, and it was the best time.

2. Tell us all 3 things we wouldn't know about you.

a. I have horrible coordination. seriously. the fact that I have yet to break a limb (touch huge amounts of wood!) in my life is terribly surprising.
b. i type very fast. someone once said i 'am not an easy tiger on the keyboard'.
c. i live in my head most days. i'm learning not to be ashamed of it.

3. Tell us some things we wouldn't know about your kid(s).

a. Cameron was electrocuted during the first year of life at school. Yep, freak accident at daycare. She has a little scar on the lefthand side of her lip. One day when she asks about it, I will tell her she was working on her Pikachu inner character.
b. She is not afraid to name and explain her emotions. This makes me happy, and think that maybe I am doing a good-enough job.
c. She has a favourite princess skirt that she wears everyday. I am not one to remove a comfort object. Life's too hard already, I say, let the comfort objects rule!
d. As she grows, she becomes more and more affectionate.
e. She crawled for about a week before she thought, bugger this, I'm walking.
f. She has the same birthmark as me, just on the outside of her leg, whilst mine is on the inner thigh.
g. Her favourite crayon is black. I don't believe in the conventional thinking that this is indicative of negative thoughts. I think she's just honest. And on that note...
h. She is the most honest person I have ever met.

4. What quote/saying best describes the way you feel about being a mommy?

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times (paraphrase)

5. Who's your Famous Mommy Role Model?

Um. Famous? Maybe Angelina Jolie or Gwen Stefani. But, in reality, my Mommy Role Model would have to be the single moms out there who do not feel like they have to apologise or justify themselves to anyone.

6. If you could have one wish granted for your kid(s), what would it be?

Have good friends.

Perhaps Not Supremely Amusing at 19 Months

Q: Please tell us about something your child(ren) said that was supremely amusing. Embarrassing is also fun.

A: My daughter's 1st word was "hi" (the exact way I say it - kind of high-pitched/sing-songy)....this is more amusing in person unfortunately. Especially when she says it right after I have said "no" to something or when she knows she has done something "wrong".

Supremely amusing (to us - cuz everything is at this age) and hopefully even so not in person for all of you: her 1st phrase "OH - M- GHA" (Oh My God). She was saying this at 13(? - not sure, cuz being the bad mommy I am, I have yet to record ANYthing) months. If this was her 1st phrase, I think we have many more amusing moments awaiting us.

BTW, she now says "Elmo", "Coo" (for Blues Clues), "Wa Wa" (for Wa Wa Wubzy - cartoon), "Foo" (for food), "Dai" (for Daddy).

....she has yet to say "mommy" or anything resembling it.

Ain't motherhood just grand.

things i miss about BC

hi there. I'm not sure whether i should introduce myself or not. here goes the 'data':

single working mom in durban with vitriol running through her head, constantly, lying next to dreams. write and love it, smoke too much and trying to be unapologetically alive.

and I just want to say this: i think you're all amazing mothers. But, more than that, amazing writers. But, more than that, amazing women.

I thought I'd start with a little list of things I miss from BC. BC = Before.Child.

So, here goes:

1. Staying up all night, sleeping my hangover off all day.
2. Playing music loudly. all day.
3. I once spent an entire weekend in my pyjamas, watching South Park. Nothing disturbed me. On my worst mommy days, I want to timewarp back to there.
4. Having money to spend on the things I want, not the things she needs.
5. Having clean carpets.
6. Smoking inside the house.
7. Getting home from work and not doing anything domestic 'til the morning after.
8. Being able to type coherent blogposts/emails/anything, and not having to fight for the keyboard.
9. Being able to wear jewellery and not having it stolen from me with a "Mommy! Pretty!" glee.
10. Not having to feel guilty for getting my jig on with the girls.
11. Randomly 'going on the pull' with the girls, and waking up somewhere and thinking "you're nice, what's your name again?"


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. now breathe in and go wash bottles mom.

Blasphemy

Duplicate post from my site

I can't believe that our *government decided that easter was falling during an inconvenient time so they promptly shifted it one month back! Ok, I can.. just wanted to appear shocked...
Whats next Christmas in November??

I told my boys because its a leap year the easter bunny only gives easter eggs to adults.. They weren't happy... Now before you go all "shame man, cruel mother" on me, consider the facts...

1. they are 13 and 9 years old..

2. they pretend to believe in the easter bunny for the chocolate..

and if they can play this game why cant I play along?

;-)

B

*government - I have since been told that the government is working in conjunction with the moon phases and Equinox… I am not aware of how dangerous this Equinox is but proceed with caution when encountered..just to be safe.. Weather is kak here at the moment so I am going back to bed..

Over and Out!

P.S. sorry its a copy but work has me strangled at the moment... :-)

Thrilling House Rules

Dear The Kid,

I know you are only 4 months old. However, the time has come to lay down some rules. Your co-operation in this regard would be appreciated. As you know, I have been going through some tough times. In order to prevent:

(a) being given away;

(b)being thrown in the rubbish bin; or

(c) being sold for cigarette and vodka money

please note that the following is now expected of you:

1. No more crying. I dont know what you want. If you want something, buddy, it's time to start talking.

2. Change your own nappy. How many times have I shown you where we keep the fresh nappies, baby wipes and bum cream? Do you need another demonstration?

3. Your bottles are relatively easy to make. Rinse bottles, place in steriliser, microwave for 5 mins. 240 ml of water, 4 scoops of formula. Make them yourself or go hungry.

4. This constant spitting up on me has got to stop. I'm tired of changing 50 times a day. If you feel the urge, please swallow repeatedly.

5. Bed time is 7pm. Please be tucked up and fast asleep by no later than stipulated hour. And furthermore, waking up at 3 am for a feed is unacceptable. A more acceptable waking hour is 9 am. And dont wake me.

If you have any questions, please dont hesitate to call Childline.

I'm told they care.

The above rules are effective immediately.

With love, (no, really)

Your Mother

Homework – House Rules

When you get the time.

Here is more homework

Briget, Becasue I Can recently did a post, Letter of Intent.

Thought it would be fun to do a letter modelled on that.

But on of actual house rules in your home.

Moms with babies can skip this one if they want.

bad mom seeks amusing moments

So, I haven't done last week's homework and I'm late with this week's assignment. Clearly I am cut out for the Teacher of the Year award, right after Best Mom Ever.

Regardless, here we go.

Please tell us about something your child(ren) said that was supremely amusing. Embarrassing is also fun.

Okay, me first.

One from the archives of my son's many hilarious exchanges:
When my son was about 3, I was getting him some applesauce when he passed gas. I asked what he should say; he replied "Thank you." Realizing I had kind of confused him I then said, "But what do you say after farting?" My charmer - "You're welcome!"

Paige once finished her dinner then lifted her shirt and announced, while pointing to her stomach, "I have an empty space shaped like dessert right here!"

A Letter To Damien Of The Future…

My dearest, darling, centre-of-my-little-universe, gorgeous Damien

Whilst this letter may go as far into the future as next century some time in this here Ethernet as well as in our interpersonal dealings- in terms of how it relates to you, it may only make it as far as tomorrow.

Now, when you asked me yesterday after work if you could go to Flower’s house after school on Thursday, and then go on Friday again for a braai, I told you I would think about it. I then dashed off to a PTA meeting, where I didn’t have time to think about it as we were discussing other matters pertaining to your education.
Asking me again- as soon as I walked in the door after the meeting- if you could go on Thursday and Friday was not a smart move sweetie. And my displaying mild irritation at being asked again before I’d had a chance to put my bag down was fully justified. Your foot stomping was not.
And then this morning, your little hissy-whiney-bitch-fit and then muttering as you slammed the car door did absolutely ZERO, NADA, ZIP, ZILCH for your cause. Would it not make sense to you, beloved son, to try and butter me up and perhaps attempt to sweet talk your way into visiting Flower on Thursday AND on Friday.
At the rate you were going this morning, I was about to ground you for a month just before I dropped you off.
All that happens when you pull those childish stunts is that I drive too fast whilst I stew about how pissed I am at you, and we both have a shitty day.
And then two text messages whilst I was at work asking if I’d made a decision yet!!?! No dude, this is not how you operate.
I told you I would think about it and that’s what I am doing. I told you I do not have the petrol or the inclination to drive you back and forth from your girlfriend this weekend.
And this was not the first, and probably by far not the last time you handle interactions with me this way.
And you want to know what drives me absolutely bat shit- the complete 180 turnaround in your attitude and mood when you get your way. The way you suddenly come over all smiling and laughing makes me want to hit you!

In future, my sweet child, please please try to think before you speak… maybe try and pretend I am a buddy from school… then perhaps I will get a civil tongue rather than growls?

Love you to the moon.

Really.

I Can't Do It

Dear Fellow Bad Mommies,

I know this is suppose to be a letter to my daughter. I started one for her Restless Sweet Sixteenth Birthday, and got really sad! She was cuddled up against me, sleeping away and I started thinking of how I wouldn't be able to envelope her with my body like I do and feel like I can protect her from the world like I think I can. I started thinking about her not being a baby anymore and I couldn't stand it.

I do look forward to seeing her grow into a little girl, than an adolescent and even look forward to seeing her blossom into a woman. But for now, I just wish I could bottle her little being up and keep it forever.

So, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to complete the last homework assignment. I'm just not ready!

Best Wishes,
Restless Housewife