Count the Bad Mommies

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Peace And Quiet… For A Little While At Least…

My darling Damien… the centre of my li’l universe, the bane of my existence, the apple of my eye, the one who drives me insane… is going on a school camp for three days. He’s coughing like crazy- I think because he’s trying to smoke less for Flower’s sake- but he wants to go, and it’s a school curriculum requirement… and I need him to go.
The last coupla weeks I have not wanted to be a mommy anymore. I haven’t mentioned the Damien drama in a while because it seems that sometimes that’s all I post about- but it never ever goes away. We have good days and bad days, but it never goes away. Frankly, I am exhausted bunnies.
I am so tired of arguing with him.
I am so tired of repeating myself.
I am so tired of his lack of respect and his total lack of deference.
I am so tired of being constantly suspicious.
I have never met anyone so selfish and it breaks my heart… what the hell did I do to make him this way? How can he be so self centered, I’m pretty damn sure that’s not what I taught him.
It’s like nothing matters and no one counts unless he benefits directly.
You want an example of why he exhausts me so?
My bedroom has two doors. My flat used to have a verandah- enclosed before I moved in- and my bedroom had a glass door leading onto this verandah. It’s had a bookshelf in front of it for the longest time and I don’t use it. I lock my door and keep the key with me- partly so Taxi will leave Grampa Scratchy alone for a bit, but mostly to keep Damien out of my bedroom and my things. The other night I went into my room to organise clothes for work the next day and feed the old man and such like and I closed the door behind me. The next thing- Taxi appears from behind the curtains at the glass door! I go and look and see the door is open, and the bookshelf on the other side has been pushed back far enough to allow Damien’s skinny frame access to my bedroom as and when he likes.
So now I’m seriously pissed off.
Not only has Grampa Scratchy had no peace since I don’t know when- but Damien has been sneaky enough to come and go into my room as he pleases without moving the bookshelf enough to be noticeable from the livingroom.
Fucking hell.
I pulled the door shut and locked it, and those keys are now inside my locked bedroom.
Just thinking about how he screws the people who are supposed to be on his side pisses me off all over again.
What the hell am I going to do!!?!
How the hell is he ever going to be a grownup!!?!


Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

he's just going through that teenager phase of 'i-hate-my-parents-i-hate-the-world-i-am-so-hard-done-by' phase...

i went through it too (my teenage years were not that long ago...scary...)

he'll get over it.

it sucks while it lasts, but it's never forever!

be strong girl!

Kerryn said...

Ah Angel.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you . . . Please don't blame yourself! This is not your fault!

I agree with EMACP that this is probably just a teenage phase.

Tough question, but have you ever considered boarding school?

The only reason I ask is that my brother also 'acted out' quite a lot when he was a teen (my mom was also a single parent) and boarding school did wonders for him. But I know each child is different.

sweets said...

aw my friend, you are a great mom, never ever doubt yourself. just keep on doing what you're doing, something has to stick sometime, there's nothing else you can do.

it is what it is

somehow i don't think i'm helping much... i'm sorry i wish i knew how to help ;(