Count the Bad Mommies

Friday, July 11, 2008

being a mother

...write a post explaining when it is that you most feel like a mother. And when it is that you don't. When did you first realise that you were somebody's mother?

Right now, I feel most like a mother when my kids are experiencing significant emotional hardships - the kind of things only a mom's insight can help them through.

Examples: My daughter (just turned 8) has friends who are already starting the "You look fat in that" and "Let's not play with her" nonsense. I have to stop myself from simply judging & commanding - "That's dumb, don't be mean" - and come up with a dialogue that will [hopefully] keep her talking to me honestly through the coming (scary scary) teen years.

With my son, we visited a neurologist this year and are pretty certain he has mild Tourette Syndrome along with OCD. As a mother, I have to help him understand the technical stuff but more importantly, give him some useful tools for coping in a sometimes cruel world when all he wants is to be "normal" and have friends who don't think he's "weird."

Not feeling like a mother comes surprisingly easy for me. Maybe because I'm also a teacher, I naturally slip between the roles I play everyday. When I put on my going-out wardrobe (cleavage-revealing tops, tighter-ass jeans) and get myself to a cocktail party or bar, I flip the Mommy switch to Sassy Hottie Wife.

It's funny how having a baby placed in your arms doesn't necessarily trigger that "I'm a mom now" feeling. I had the realization hit me hardest when I ran into a woman at the library who looked at me and said, "Oh! You're Mason's mom!" I took for granted my everyday life with him; to have an outsider 'label' me made it real.

Who knew this job would be so fricking complicated? And for no salary. But even though I can't buy shoes with what I get out of it, the rewards are great.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I'm twobodies mother ;)

Sweets signing up for motherhood...
both my kids were planned, i loved being pregnant, i love everything about motherhood, i truly do...

what i didn't realise was that i was due to raise these two beasts alone, that was kind of a deal breaker, but i stepped up to the plate... and although mostly my single-mom-and-two-kids life is very very hard, and hugely overwhelming, I love every moment...
the big change for me came when I was a newly divorced single mom... we moved into our "new" place... and i had tremendous financial stress, the ex wasn't paying child maintenance yet and I was just flat broke (understatement of the century) and totally fucking ...
i remember sitting on the backdoor step one day and just crying, didn't care who saw me or who heard me I just bawled... I was overwhelmed cause I realised for the first time in my life, the bucket stops right there at the backdoor step... with me...

if my kids were hungry, I had to feed them

if they got hurt, I had to pay for medical care

if our safety is threatened, I have to make sure they are safe

if their hearts were breaking cause they miss batman, I had to love them and make it all better

if they needed clothes, I had to buy them clothes

if they go to school, I have to pay the school fees

if they grow up without knowing God, I never taught them

needless to say things didn't change overnight, things slowly got better, very very slowly... and here I have to give thanks to my sister who literally phoned me every day and asked what I needed, if I needed anything... she gave it... and more.... and when I told her everything is fine, she persisted until I gave in and spilled the beans... she was relentless and I have no disillusions about the fact that if it wasn't for her... dear God I don't even want to think about it... she saved me and the boys in more ways than one.

the only times I don't feel like a mother is when I watch my kids play... or when I watch them do something and they are not aware that I'm watching, and I look at them, all healthy and happy and carefree... and I think... they are huge! they are happy! how on earth is it possible that they are mine? Amazing...
that and the one time when Kay was about two weeks old... we went out for an evening meal and I forgot him in the restaurant...sigh... true story :)

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Angel's Bad Mommy Homework...

…write a post explaining when it is that you most feel like a mother. And when it is that you don’t. When did you first realise that you were somebody's mother?

Hhmmm… this took some thinking lemme tell you bunnies! And I tried not to read anyone else’s posts till I had done mine… though it was tempting when I was wracking my empty brain!

When do (or did) I NOT feel like a mother.
Well, until Damien was about 2 weeks old, I didn’t feel at all like a mother. Yes I had a natural birth and yes I was breastfeeding and getting up in the middle of the night… but it felt like I was babysitting for someone else. I kept waiting for and expecting this magical moment when Damien and I would “bond” and I would look at him adoringly and the world around me would disappear and soft music would play and everything would be in soft focus.
Didn’t happen.
Perhaps it was partly because I was so young and selfish… there was so much I had planned to do- and now I had this tiny little human who needed me ALL THE TIME! Perhaps it was partly that I was expecting something that couldn’t happen… not like it did in the movies! I remember a specific night that I started crying almost uncontrollably whilst feeding a tiny Damien. My mom came to see what was up. I blubbed all but incoherently at her about how I didn’t feel like Damien was mine and how I wasn’t really a mother and why wasn’t I bonding with him and and and… she gave me a tiny glass of sherry, sent me to bed and took Damien for a couple of hours. I forget what all she told me that night, but I felt a lot better.
And I must be honest, I feel less like a “mommy” and more like a “mother” as Damien gets older. Does that make sense?

When I most felt like a mother was when Damien used to snuggle up on the couch next to me, when we could share a two-seater comfortably. He’d put his head on the arm and squish his feet in behind my bum and we’d watch TV together until it was his bedtime.
Reading him bedtime stories and fetching him from school always made me feel like a mother.
Helping out at school fetes and selling soup and pancakes at gymnastics competitions made me feel like a mother every time.
Disciplining him also always made me feel like a mother… and all too often I could hear my own mommy darling when I spoke to Damien!

One of the many times it struck me that I was actually someone’s mother was watching Damien compete in his gymnastics competitions. He was good, and when I watched him I wanted to nudge the people around me and say things like “That’s MY boy!”
Other times it really hit home was when he would come and crawl into my bed in the early hours of a weekend morning, snuggle up to me and go back to sleep. In winter he would declare himself my hot-water-bottle and it was his job to keep me warm!
And of course, worrying about a sick Damien always brought home to me that I was wholly responsible for this little person!
And one time I remember all too clearly was in 1998 when I was admitted to hospital with asthmatic pneumonia. I had called my folks to fetch me at home late one night because I couldn’t breathe anymore and needed to go to the hospital- and of course Damien had had to go with us as he was too little to stay home. I was in the back of the emergency room with a drip and an oxygen mask and the doctor went to call my daddy darling to let him know I was staying. My dad and Damien walked into the room hand in hand and Damien and I took one look at each other and started bawling! The fear in his eyes was too dreadful!
Ooh, and fighting for Damien's rights as an ADHDer and talking about his treatments and medication ALWAYS reminds me that I am someone's mother!

So, to end off… I will be a mother for as long as I live… and I wouldn’t change anything in my life for all the tea in China!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Introducing me

PS! For those with readers, sorry for all the edits, it kept losing my breaks! So, I've redone the post, hopefully it works this time.

OK, here goes... my first contribution to this blog. I don't know a lot of you on here, so here's a bit about me first...I'm Jeanette (now known as Jenty). I have 2 blogs, one is a photography blog, and the other is an outlet for me to vent.
LOL, I can't even figure out what to write here! Thankfully the first post is the obligatory meme!

1. Post a picture of your kid(s).

Ok, this one is VERY easy considering I take photos every SINGLE day! The problem is in the choice. These are my favourites this month.
This is Bradley, he's 5..
.Looking up
... and Connor, he's 16 months old

2. Tell us all 3 things we wouldn't know about you.

Oh crumbs, here comes the hard bits, considering a lot of me is in my blogs. I'm going to go back to pre-photo and ramblings blog here, not many people read my Livejournal blog, so the odds of you all knowing that history is very slim.
a. I only started blogging to keep friends overseas up-to-date with my goings on, but now I can't live without it. I've met the most amazing people online. I actually met most of my RL friends online, on a SA mother's forum. I've lost touch with most of my "old" pre-net friends, which is quite sad actually.
b. I try to learn one new thing every year. I wonder what I'm going to try and learn next year, this year it's been the DSLR (I think, can't think of anything new other than that).
c. I work in the Financial Services industry, and I'm a Business Analyst Manager and a Strategic Programme Manager - I do both - at the same time. And I enjoy it. I moan a lot about it, but I love that I'm constantly learning new things. I don't love that I manage people... that's the hardest part of my role. The minute I stop learning, I tend to resign and move on.

3. Tell us some things we wouldn't know about your kid(s).
a. Connor was a prem baby, I had him at 35 weeks and he was in NICU for 16 days. It was the hardest time of my life... juggling that and having to deal with Bradley and his questions about his baby at home. You'd never say that, if you had to see him now... he's huge and healthy!
b. Bradley is a tattle-tale at the moment. Poor Connor cannot do anything without Bradley coming to call me. Which is a good thing, considering Connor's already broken his collar bone!
c. When we took Bradley on his first seaside holiday when he was 4 months old, he (or rather we) ended up in hospital in Umhlanga for 4 days with gastro! That was a crap holiday!

4. What quote/saying best describes the way you feel about being a mommy?
Pass, I don't do quotes, sayings or songs for that matter! LOL!

5. Who's your Famous Mommy Role Model (haha, like there actually are any good celebrity mommies)

Pass again, I've never been a follower of celebs

6. If you could have one wish granted for your kid(s), what would it be?
That I will be able to provide the means for them to do whatever they want in life, and that they'll find something that they love doing (and not have to work for the sake of working)

That's it, hopefully someone found that interesting.