Count the Bad Mommies

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Definition of Pride...

Like mother, like daughter...

Ahhh, how quickly they learn, eh??

Sweets~letter to my boys

Baby boys,

I know you’re not babies anymore, but you’ll always be my babies. Today you are 25, if I died then today is the day when you’ll get your money! Relax and listen to me first!!!!!!!!

It’s a whole lot of moolas there boys, if you use this money on shit (I can say shit now, you’re old enough) I’m not going to be impressed… use it wisely, build some sort of future with it, it can make all the difference in your life.

So if I’m dead I want to tell you guys a few things. I love you. I don’t know if you have any idea how you two rocked my world. I thank God that I had you two, you were perfect for me and I hope I was perfect for you. You made me smile when I thought I would cry forever, thanks for that, I don’t think you have a clue what that meant to me. I may have been rough with you guys, always complaining and screaming like a loon, but I did it cause I knew you could only impress a girl if there wasn’t food hanging out of your mouth, that makes sense now doesn’t it, I told you!

If there is one thing I want to leave with you it’s this: Life is really great, do things, experience life, don’t tie yourself down too soon and above else have no regrets, nobody’s perfect. When you meet a really cool girl, grab her and don’t let her go. You’ll know when that happens, if you’re not sure, it’s not that moment ok? Follow your gut and you’ll never go wrong, end of story. I hope you are happy, that makes me sad to think that I won’t be there to see what great guys you two will become, make me proud!

Remember to always have each others backs, really you two are all you have and a brother is worth so much I don’t have words to explain it, never ever let go of each other. Kay look after your younger brother, remember to not be too scared of life… shit happens but it’s all ok at the end, if you struggle with that, Jay keep him on his toes ok, it’ll be ok babe, I promise. Jay, stay grounded, you remind me so much of your Dad and that scares me a little, be true to yourself and don’t forget your roots, they are precious, then you too my sweet will be just fine.

I love you forever.
Don’t forget me please.
You’ve made me so proud.


Thursday, March 13, 2008

You Have Future Mail

Dear The Kid,
Today, the day you are opening this letter, will be your 18th birthday. The day I am writing this, it is your 4 month birthday.
I wonder what you will look like - more like me or your father? Blonde with blue eyes or will you have my deep brown eyes? Will you be nerdy and smart like me, or a jock like your father? What will your plans be, for the next phase of your life?
As I sit here now, and watch you sleep, you're a whole 64 cm tall. How tall will you be now? You were probably taller than me by the time you were 7 years old. You weigh 7.4kg today - what will it be in the future?
Will you be a rugby player? A swimmer, like your dad wants you to be? Or a ballerina? (Hey, it's totally your choice). Whatever you choose to do, my boy, I will always support you and love you. There's nothing you could do that could ever make me disown you.
I just want you to know you're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. My most perfect creation. The only thing that I've ever done right. And although you weren't exactly planned, I wouldn't change a thing. Except perhaps love you more. If possible.
I look at you every day and marvel at the fact that I actually made you. That I grew you inside me for 40 weeks. That I could feel you moving and growing inside me. I could feel your hiccups, your bumps and jumps. It was amazing.
The first time I saw you I felt things I'd never thought I was capable of. I felt the strongest kind of love imaginable. Only stronger. Looking into your big blue eyes was incredible. Watching you grow and learn new things has been amazing. Hearing your little laughs and your snorts has made it all worthwhile.
My boy, I wish only the best for you. At this point in your life there are only possibilities before you. Your potential is infinite, and where-to-from-here is completely your choice. I hope that we have raised you and given you enough experience, wisdom and independence to make the decision that is right for you.
I dont care if I discourage you from doing something, if you really want to do it. Well then do it. I am your mother and will love you regardless. Dont do something because it makes us happy,do something because it makes you happy. The happier you are, the happier we will be.
And never forget....I'm proud of you.
I love you more than anything else in this world...
Or the next.
Love always,

Hello Mommies!

I posted a cry for help over on my blog. Don't worry, it's not as bad as what it sounds at first, but any help from all you great mommies (BMB mommies and loyal reader mommies) will be greatly appreciated.

I know I can count on you!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Not so much bad, as stupid

Last week Friday, I had a really stupid mommy moment.

I go off to fetch Ciara from school, and arrive promptly at 12:30 when all the short ones are leaving for the day.
So I wait and wait, and then wait some more and still no sign of Ms. Ciara anywhere. So when I am the last-lone momma I decide that maybe she went off to aftercare.

I walk up to the cafeteria (which coincidentally is 400 miles from the gate) and cannot find her anywhere.

At this stage mild panic starts to set in. I go to the office and ask where her teacher is so that I can find my child. Another teacher asks what her last class was, and I am directed to that area.

When she is not there - major panic sets in and I am physically unable to breathe. I'm ever so slightly starting to lose any grip I once had on my sanity.

I go back to the office to find if they have had any luck locating the teacher and I'm ready to burst into tears. I whip all who cross my path into a frenzy about my missing child.

I am able (somehow) to make the decision to check the gate one last time.

Relief floods over me in tsunamis when I see her little blond head milling about with the other stragglers.
I phone the office, and timidly advise that I have found her and they can cancel the fricken bright red alert on my missing child.

I hug her tightly and ask where the feckin hell she has been.

Hindsight makes me feel rather foolish and paranoid and stupid.
I hate Hindsight.
She's a bitch.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Way late, but wha-eva

Hiya BM readers!

It's been a LOOONG while since I pulled my finger out me bum and posted here. I'm going to do a two in one if you don't mind? You don't? How fabulous of you.

Before I was a Momma:
  • I had legs half the size that they are now
  • There was no facial hair needing to be waxed/veeted/plucked as there is now
  • I was a rebelleous little bitch of a teenager who thought her own brain was worthy of Eistein companionship
  • Never did I realise how selfless and sacrificing my own Mommy was
  • I hadn't learned how to think of anyone before I thought of 'Me'
  • The art of multi-tasking had not come into play until the minute Kiera arrived
  • I had no idea what the meaning of LOVE was

...And a letter to my child:

Dear Kiki,

You would have been 5 years old this year. Good god, I would have been pulling my hair out by the looks of your best friend (and Mommy's godchild) Nikki. I put my hand on a stack of bibles and swear that you would have been the most spoilt and gifted little brat on the planet. But you would always remember your P's and Q's.

In fact, wherever you are, up in the clouds somewhere, I hope you don't give the Angels too much crap. On second thought - give 'em hell, baby girl! With your red hair and blue eyes, I bet you do already.

I went through all of your teddy-bears the other day. There was a little girl who really needed some, as her Mommy didn't love her as much as yours did. I gave away 'Fear-less' your favourite little fluffy toy. I did this because I know how much you were comforted by him while in hospital, and she's in an orphanage, which is probably on the same shitty-ness kind of level.

Wok blew a candle out for you on his birthday last week. His friends thought he was mad, but he stood there proudly and told all of them that even though he was only ten, he was an uncle not so long ago, and that candle was for someone special. They all shut up. Stupid little idiots.

Don't ever say 'idiot' or 'shit' up there in the big sky, okay? The boss man probably wouldn't like it much. Instead, teach him how to say 'Sup, bitches' cos I bet you a lot more people would actually understand him if his vocab was modernised.

Alright. Mommy has work to do, and some mascara to re-apply. Remember to wear your seat-belt when you go on the sleigh over the clouds with Father Easter Fairy and Aunty Cupid Clause, okay?

Love you forever baby girl.

PS: I'm not sure which milestone this letter was meant to be for, but lets call it 'The Year Mommy Learned To Smile about you'.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Letters Into the Future

This week's homework takes the form of a letter.

You will write this letter to your kid(s), with the intention that he/she will receive it on an important milestone in their life.

This milestone can be anything - an age (16/18/21), an event (passing their drivers' licence, sex for the first time, going away to college....) or any time in the future you think is appropriate.

"Letters are among the most significant memorial a person can leave behind them." ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." ~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939
"Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
PS: if you're not a bad mommy, feel free to do the homework in the comments section, or on your own blog, and paste a link to it in the comments section!

Better late than never . . .

Late, but done. . .

Before I was a mom . . .

  • I had thin easy to handle hair.
  • It was easy to loose my winter weight without exercising.
  • I had no sense of purpose.
  • I don’t know what I did with my time.
  • I knew that I would be a kick-ass mom :-)
  • I never felt fear the way I feel it now.
  • I could go to the loo by myself.
  • I never knew what real love was.

My list is pretty short. Other than my extreme lack of time, I haven’t really changed all that much!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Before I was a Mommy Homework

Because I've always had trouble turning assignments in on time...

Before I was a mommy:

I could mainline tequila and sleep off my hangover 'til 6pm the next day.

I put on makeup and let my hair hand long down my back.

I spent my extra cash on concert tickets and happy hour beers instead of Dora dolls and Backyardigan DVDs

I didn't know who Dora or the Backyardigans were.

I was a night owl. An insomniac. A dreamer who never dreamed...she only watched infomercials.

I never wanted children.

I had never held a baby.

I never appreciated the self-less-ness it takes to raise a child.

I never really gave any thought to the fact that my parents had a different life before they had kids.

I had never experienced true, raw, heartachingly, endless, love.

Had I been paying attention I would have done this meme sooner. And possibly rocked it all poetic like. However, it is 2am here. I am tired. I am spent. I am going to bed. I also see that a new homework assignment has already been given out. No harm done. I shall post this with an earlier date so's not to mess with the flow. If I do end up waxing poetic about my life before children then I'll post it as an update to this homework assignment.


before bad momhood

[So sorry to be absent lo these many weeks...Bad is my first name, you know]

Before I was a mom, I enjoyed:

  • Going to the movies at the last minute
  • Waiting till dinnertime to figure out what to make
  • Watching commercial TV between 7 am & 7 pm
  • Long, warm, relaxing baths
  • Spending an entire Saturday going to garage sales
  • Reading a grown-up book while the sun was up
  • Dogs
  • Three rooms to myself in the house
  • Sleeping in
  • Sleeping through the night
  • The backseat of my car
  • A consistently clean & orderly house
  • Dry-clean-only clothes
  • Privacy
  • Leisurely dining in a restaurant
  • Sick days
  • A modeling career
  • Weekends in Vegas
  • A life of crime

Okay, the last few never really materialized...Since my kids are getting older, I'm finding my way back to some of these luxuries. But some I'm not missing much anyway.

all was chaos...

Before I was a mommy...

I smoked too much

I painted myself silver and pranced around the house in leather hot pants

I thought of myself


I could out drink a man that out weighed me by 150+ pounds and then when he passed out in my backyard... I could find a way to drag him in and lay him on the sofa

I thought I was free to be who I was and who I wanted

I wore big boots and dark lipstick

I sang loudly and didn't care who heard

I made my boyfriend the happiest man on earth

I made my boyfriend miserable and crazy

I was a size 4

I drank too much pepsi and watched too much tv

I wasn't perfect.

But now, now things are different...

Of course I'm still not perfect

I drink too much cherry coke and cherish my quiet time

I'm a size 6

I make my husband completely insane

I make my husband the happiest man on earth

I sing loudly with my daughter and hope everyone hears the joy

I wear big boots but seldom have time for lipstick

I am free to be who I am... that's all I want to be

I'm an easy drunk, 2 martinis and I just want to curl up and snooze... but first I can carry my girl to bed and tuck her in with sweet dreams

I think of my daughter, and then myself, and my husband


I play dress up with my daughter and make special teas just for us

I blog into the wee hours of the night... and then again in the morning.

Angel Answers

I'm only juust getting my homework done here!

Before I was a mommy. . . I had scrapbooks filled with pictures of movie stars and musicians I idolised… I was a rocker and my school bag was covered in graffiti

Before I was a mommy. . . I had a temper that scared even me, blind rages and all

Before I was a mommy. . . I didn’t want to have children at all- I was afraid I might injure them physically in a fit of rage

Before I was a mommy. . . I had not even thought of those “when-I-have-children-I-will-never” and “my-children-will-only” ideals

Before I was a mommy. . . I shared a vision of living in a gawjissly decorated loft-type flat with my best friend whilst we gallivanted all over the place and lived like they do in the movies

Before I was a mommy. . . I was going to tour the world and see all the famous artworks and ruins in Florence, Rome, Greece, South America- Machu Picchu, David, Pompeii, the Sistine Chapel- I don’t think I had heard of backpacking as such- but that was my plan

Before I was a mommy. . . I was super selfish and couldn't have ever concieved of the notion of actually putting my own life and wants aside- in favour of another- let alone someone who bit me; shouted at me; kept me up at night; made me cry; slammed doors in my face; told me he hated me; sneered at me; puked, peed and pooped on me and expected handouts and lifts like he was owed them (obviously these are in no particular order)

Before I was a mommy. . . I could not imagine having several hours’ conversation with other mommies and exclusively discussing the pros and cons of various baby clothing brands and baby products, not to mention illness, nappy rash, puke, poo and teething

Before I was a mommy. . . I didn’t understand that whole “mother bear” analogy- I so get it now

Before I was a mommy. . . I didn’t know or love or respect my parents like I do now- make no mistake- loved them, but differently, now I admire them as well and I dunno what I ever would have done without them

Before I was a mommy. . . I had no idea that I could feel so much love so deeply and so intensely for one person- no matter what happened between us, ever

Before I was a mommy. . . I didn't think I could love someone enough to cry over them at the slightest hint of an excuse to do so

Before I was a mommy. . . I did not know I could be prepared to literally put my life on the line in favour of one person- if the need ever arose