New Bad Mommy Homework

I was on PostSecret this morning. And saw this postcard.

It inspired this week's homework task.

So, write a blog post where you respond to this picture.

Tell us how becoming a mother has changed you. What it means to you. What is your relationship like with your child(ren)?

What would your life be like if you'd never become a mother?

More inspiration:
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories." ~John Wilmot

"Simply having children does not make mothers". ~John A. Shedd

"Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does". ~Joey Adams

"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." ~Red Buttons

Bad Mommy?

So Neen told us all to write a post about a bad mommy moment we had recently. And as much as I tried to think of one, I really couldn't come up with anything concrete.

So I decided to tell you why I think I haven't been a bad mommy recently.

Well, let me tell you I have the happiest baby I have ever seen. He laughs and smiles all the time. He's happy to see me, happy to play on the floor with a pile of newspapers. Happy to eat dry Pro-vitas when mommy doesn't feel like making him a proper snack. Happy to lie on the tiles by the washing machine (hmmm....I'm actually starting to see some bad mommy stuff here after all!) and drink his bottle. Happy to pat the dog through the bars of the gate. Happy to play with car keys and rub biscuit crumbs into my new rug.

My child sleeps through the night. Apparently, if there's some instability or upset in the child's life, it shows in their sleeping patterns. My child sleeps from 6:30 pm to 6:30 am. Solid. Never wakes up, never cries. People tell me I'm lucky that my child sleeps through the night. I say that's bullshit. I worked hard to get it that way. I have a strict bedtime routine. As I go through the routine he starts yawning and rubbing his eyes. He knows it's sleep time, and he sleeps.

He's reaching all his milestones timeously. He's sitting by himself, crawling, and is even starting to stand. He walks in a walking ring, and if held. He's never sick, and even though he's teething something chronic (he's grown 8 teeth in the last month or so) he never complains. He eats everything I give him, and really isn't fussy. He even eats vegetables - fresh tomato and green pepper are his favourite.

He knows how shit works. He's figured out how to open tupperwares, how all his toys work, how the tv remote works, and he knows the difference between a fake set of keys and my real keys. He only plays with the real thing. And the dummy cell phone I bought him is no good either. He wants the real thing.

So what am I trying to say here? That I'm proud of myself. I'm doing this mothering thing better than I thought I could. My child is developing well, has an awesome little personality on him, and has inherited his mothers' strong temperment.

Perhaps I'm not such the bad mommy after all..

The Necessity of Pets

So Yndic asked about pets - what you think about them, and the role your child must play in the new family members' life.

The Kid has a puppy. The Kid is 8 months old. And yes, he has a pet. His name is Earl.

The Kid loves this damn dog. Even though I'm battling to house-train this freaking furball. Even though he chews holes in The Boyfriends underpants.

Even though he chews everything he can get his grubby little paws on. Even though I have to feed him, give him attention and foot the vet bills.

The Kid's whole face lights up when I let Earl into the house. This dog is so unbelievably gentle with The Kid. The Kid can pull his ears, put his hands in the dogs' mouth, take away his food or chew toy, and the dog just tolerates it, and waits til The Kid is done tormenting him.

The Kid follows this dog around everywhere. Loves to pat him, and lets him lick his face. I am not even allowed to touch The Kid's face, and trying to wipe it clean with a cloth incites much whining and wriggling. But he will hold still while Earl licks his face.

So what's my opinion on pets? I think they're important. They help strengthen the immune system, they teach children not to be afraid of dogs, and if a child grows up with furry pets, they're less likely to be allergic to cats or dogs.

Once The Kid is a bit older, these two will be inseparable. Partners in crime. It will lessen the impact of being an only child. And when he's old enough, he will do the feeding routines.

And for damn sure, he will be doing the shit-pickers'-waltz too!

*Please, bad mommies - dont forget to do Ydnic's homework task - there was an overlap with the 3 Bad Mommy Things as set by Jenty.

Three Frowns For Bad Mommy

Keeping this list to three things I do that could be frowned upon was tough. Pretty much everything I do could probably be frowned upon. Fakkit, I'm doing more than 3.

1. I dont use bum cream every time I change his nappy. Actually, hardly ever. Only when he has a red bum.
2. I leave him unattended while I go outside and smoke. I leave him on the lounge floor, surrounded by toys and open plug points and cables.
3. I let my child suck the dog's pigs ear chew toy. Twice.
4. Sometimes I am too lazy to sterilise bottles, so just rinse out before using.
5. I let my child suck the floor tiles and drink bath water.
6. I sit my child in his Bumbo on the kitchen counter and leave him unattended while running his bath. He has fallen out once.
7. I left my child unattended on my bed. He fell off.
8. I left my child unattended on the changing table. He fell off.
9. I let my child eat dog biscuits.
10. I let my child gum my keys, even though they're probably the most germ-infested objects in the world.
11. If The Kid's dummy falls on the floor, I pop it in my mouth, give it a suck and hand it back to him. Apparently this should not be done.

How does that score on the badness scale?

What Worked For You?

I know a mommy with a new baby girl. The kid is colicky and cries constantly. We've all been there, we all know what it's like.

So, I want to know - what worked for you? What was your miracle cure?

I'm going to collect all the answers, and send them to her, just so she has a bunch of options to try.

(you may reply to this as a comment - ie: this question is thrown wide to contributors and readers alike)

I Just Can't

I am incapable of doing the following, since having The Kid...

1.... eating glazed donuts. Have you seen a snotty kids' face? The resemblance of said snotty child's face to a glazed donut is disgustingly alike.

2. ...pretending not to notice how, when other mommies walking their babies in prams past me, stare into my pram and have a look at my kid. I know, he's gorgeous. Dont be jealous. It's not your fault you got a butt ugly baby and mine is so perfect. I however, resist looking in their pram, just in case their kid truly is hideous, I wont be able to keep the look of shock off my face. But I do however glare at them.

3....leaving the house wearing a pristine, well-put together outfit. My clothes invariably are covered in milk stains, biscuit crumbs, fruit splotches and my accessories are usually in The Kids' mouth to keep him quiet and entertained.

4....staying awake past 9pm. I know my kid sleeps from 6pm to 6 am, but late nights are no longer an option for me. I used to be a serious night owl - studying often until 4 am, often pulling all-nighters in the library working on assignments. No longer. I am far too tired at the end of the day to make it past 9pm. Some nights I dont even see 8pm.

5....getting horribly, snot-flyingly drunk. No matter how much I drink, or how fast, I cannot get drunk. It's rather annoying. Even more annoying is the fact that the whole time I'm thinking how The Kid is going to wake me up at 6am, and looking after him with a hangover wont be fun.

6...skipping a meal. This was common practice pre-Kid. If I was going out that night, which was nearly ever night, I wouldn't eat. Now I eat as if the world depends on it.

7....fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes...I blame The Kid, the washing machine. Everything except the fact that I eat like the world depends on it!

Feeling Bad

Okay, I know every mother goes through this, and I know it's not the end of the world, but I am feeling a little [okay, a LOT] guilty. Today is The Kid's first time at day care. It feels like I'm admitting that I'm not capable of looking after my own child by myself. Not capable of being a mother, because I have commitments other than my child. The first draft of my thesis is due on the 18th of July, and while I initially thought I'd be able to study while The Kid was home, I discovered I cannot. He demands my full attention.

Which I have now just deprived him of. And dumped him with a daymother. It was slightly heartbreaking, I wont lie. This morning, getting him dressed and ready, he seemed to sense my apprehension. Either that, or I was mistaking his usual moans and groans for something they weren't.

I walked into the daymother's house, with him on my hip, placed him on the playroom floor, and another kid crawled over to him with a ball. My kid took one look at this other baby, opened his mouth so his dummy fell out and just started bawling. And then most of the other kids started bawling too. They seem to set each other off. The daymother quickly ushered me out with assurances that my child would be just fine, he needs to adjust to other children. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye. I know it's probably better that way, and he probably would have cried even more had I picked him up, but it made me feel awful.

If not for my sister who was with me, I probably would have cried. I managed to last a whole hour before I called the daymother to check on my child. She said he was perfectly happy, had just had his breakfast and was smiling and laughing. I couldn't hear crying in the background, so I was amazed she'd got my child to be quiet.

Oh well. All I can say is she's going to have her hands full with that one. I know I shouldn't worry, as she is the mother of one of The Boyfriend's closest friends, but I cant stop thinking about him!

Tell me it gets better? I know I'm being such a wet blanket, but it would be nice to hear other mommies' first-time-at-daycare experiences, please!!

It's All Been One Expensive Mistake

I have this theory, and it seems to pan out mostly. Unplanned pregnancies have an effect on the way you feel toward your child. Women who plan their pregnancies are grateful for them, switch automatically into mothering mode, and seem to relish their new role. I also think that the kind of birth you have, affects your relationship with your child.

Now my pregnancy was definitely unplanned and I never wanted to have children. Children, I thought, were far too much responsibility, far too much of a burden, and I was fine with being a single, career woman for the rest of my life.

One month after having moved out of home, and started my second degree, my boyfriend of two months took me to the doctor. We discovered I was pregnant. At first, abortion seemed like an option. But then I felt a little flutter in my uterus, and realised that there was someone in there. Someone I had created. I dont know whether it was hormones, or whether I had bonded with this little collection of cells, but I suddenly felt protective.

I couldn't picture having a procedure to flush this tiny person from my body. But at the same time I couldn't picture myself changing nappies and wiping snotty noses. But I insisted I was ready for this, and nothing anyone said could make me change my mind.

I was determined to have a natural birth, no drugs as I was told this was the best way to bond with your baby, as once he's out, the doctors put him straight to the breast. And you also apparently feel some sense of achievement at having achieved 'the miracle of natural birth'.

I never got my natural birth with no drugs. I had a c-section under general anaesthetic. The gaps in my spine weren't big enough for me to have an epidural. I awoke about an hour after the birth of my son. I wasn't present for the moment, and even though I have pictures of the event, I sometimes feel a bit excluded. Like I was the last person to see my baby, although I should have been one of the first.

I had no problem bonding with him in the artificial environment of the hospital, where there were nurses on hand to help me out when I felt overwhelmed. I stared at my sleeping baby for most of the time I was in hospital and was in love with this little red-faced squishy thing.

Eight months later when my baby only has eyes for me, and his face lights up when I walk in the room and he laughs and shrieks at the sound of my voice, I feel like a mother. When he cries, is sick, has made a really smelly nappy or is uninterested in his food, I feel like I was coerced into this mothering thing. When he refuses to sleep, play for a while by himself with some toys or doesn't want to know anything about his father and cries to return to his mother, I feel like it's all a little bit too much.

When I realise that I have 18 days until the deadline for my 10,000 word thesis I feel resentful that my baby wants so much of my attention that I cannot devote myself to my studies the way I used to. I call this 'The Accidental Mommy' syndrome. An intense love-hate phenomenon.

Every time he comes back from spending Saturday night at The Boyfriend's parents, I make a promise to him that I'll try my best to be a better mommy this week.

I'll try to be more patient, understanding, playful, and less resentful of sleep/study time lost.Right now I feel like a part-time mother or baby sitter. Biding my time until he has a nap or its bed time, so I can do what I want to do.

Perhaps one day when he opens his mouth and says 'mommy', I will actually feel like one. Until then, ever Sunday I make the promise.

I'll try harder to be a mommy.

I promise.

Does It Ever Really Sink In?

I have a friend who is a very new mother. Her baby boy was born last Tuesday. She has been battling like I never imagined possible. Seemingly no natural maternal instincts, no idea of what can harm her baby.

It may seem judgmental to say that. And you might think that it's the pot calling the kettle black, and I wish I could help her, but her and her boyfriend seem to be refusing help. Which is very brave. I guess I have probably forgotten my own cluelessness far too quickly. Replaced it with memories of calm efficiency.

Well. Mostly I was calm. Mostly I was efficient, although not necessarily both at the same time. I sent her a message yesterday asking her how the first weekend went. She said it was intense, she never ever felt that out of control about something. But what really got me thinking was the fact that she said she didn't feel like a mother, that it hadn't really sunk in.

Then I realised I didn't really feel like a mother either.

Where am I going with this?

Simple. I want you all to write a post explaining when it is that you most feel like a mother. And when it is that you dont. When did you first realise that you were somebody's mother?

The Winner

is thus Angel. For 'Raising Damien'. On account of how you other mommies haven't pulled finger. Badness, I tell you.

Angel, your blingy badges are to be designed for you this week. Keep an eye out in your email for more details.

Bad Mommies: new homework.

Topic: tell us what you and your spawn have been up to lately. News, funnies, pics, rants, eltters, anything. C'mon - this blog is far tooo quiet!!

When I Was Knocked Up...

the things I worried about were:

• 
  
  haemmorhoids - I'd heard about then, all other mothers had warned me about 'the grapes of wrath' and I was told they were inevitable. Thank god, they actually weren't inevitable. At least not for me. I never got to experience the wonders of bits of my colon protruding from me bumhole.


• 
  
  constipation - apparently another one of the beautiful side effects of hatching something inside you. Also something I never experienced.


• 
  
  the birth - I wanted to have a natural birth, with no drugs. I was worried about tearing. I was worried about ripping. I was worried about having to be cut. I was worried about what some people have described as 'pushing a watermelon through your nose'. Turns out, I needn't have worried. I had to have an emergency c-section anyway.


• 
  
  writing exams - yes, I was still pursuing my masters degree and my exams were set to take place 2 weeks before I was due to pop. Madness, huh? I attended all my lectures, did all my assignments and got two A's, 2B's and came top of my class in Media Law. How, you might ask? I dont bloody know.


• 
  
  smoking - yes, I know smoking is bad for your baby. Yes, I know smoking is bad for my own health, and I did quit for a good few months. But when exams rolled around, I was chain-smoking like a maniac. And you know what? My kid came out absolutely fine.


• 
  
  how I would cope - people never really tell you how hard this shit is. How frustrating and mind-numbingly boring it can be. How painful it can be. People are quick to offer advice, but they dont really tell the truth. 'It will get easier/better' they told me. Yes. Okay. Fair enough. But WHEN??


• 
  
  that I was going to be 'someone's mother' - No longer just me, but 'The Kid's Mommy'. A bit of an identity crisis, you might say. Someone's mother. For the rest of my life. Hoever long that might be.


• 
  
  that I wasn't going to bond with my baby - you hear those stories about those women who reject their baies or feel nothing for them once they're born. I was terrifid I was going to be one of them. Scary shit. But it didn't happen. Until a bit later, when post-natal depression hit, and sometimes, just sometimes it felt like I could really just hurt him or do something drastic, if he doesn't stop fucking crying. We all have our days, I guess.

Yes, mothers-to-be. It's fucking hard work. It's sleepless nights, crying babies, crying mommies, shitty nappies, fighting with your partner, visiting the doctor, worrying, guilt, stress, shitty nappies, vomiting, fighting with your partner, breaking things, throwing tantrums and feeling like you're the worst mother on the planet.

But it passes.

Or so I'm told.

Timeless Memories

Today you are 3 days away from being 5 months.

This is what you looked like when you were born:

At this exact moment, you are sleeping across my knees, drooling down my leg. 5 seconds ago you were wide awake, singing and enjoying being bounced up and down.

These days, you like to wear, or I like you to wear: an assortment of baby gro's. I particularly like your camo one. You match your dad when you wear this.

Your favorite t.v. show(s) or movie is this: The kids programming on BBC Prime - Balamory, Big Cook Little Cook, The Roly Mo Sho, Tweenies and also anything on The Style Network (you gonna have style, boy)

You love to do this: bounce up and down, chew peoples' fingers, drool, suck your toys, stand up and bounce.


You say this a lot: goo. bah. dah. you even said 'oink' once.

Your favorite food these days: Isomil1. (still only drinking your bottle)

This is your favorite toy: Enrico The Turd


I love you to death, but I really wish you would stop doing this: crying. I dont know what it means....I have to guess...and its a little frustrating.

You're a great kid because of this: you look really cute when you sleep. I think that's when I love you the most.


I'm amazed that you do this: already hold your own bottle, and put your own dummy back in your mouth, and are starting to crawl. And you're not even 5 months yet!

I love when you do this: smile at me when you wake up. Laugh uncontrollably when I tickle you. Splash around in the bath.

Something I’m wearing these days that will probably make you laugh some day (or already does):gold slip on shoes.

Something you are struggling with presently that I wish I could help you with:putting your dummy back in your mouth the right way up. You're also battling with crawling, sometimes it looks like you're swimming on land...

This is an article from a magazine or newspaper describing an event that happened today or around this time:

Eskom Load-Shedding Schedule.

Baby Born With Two Faces.

Iraq: Five Years Later.

On this day in history: 9 April

1967 - The first Boeing 737 was rolled out for use.

1831 - Robert Jenkins lost an ear. The event started a war between Britain and Spain.

1959 - NASA announced the selection of America's first seven astronauts.

1970: Paul McCartney announces the official breakup of the Beatles.

On your birthday these things happened: 13 November

1956 - The U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public buses.

1998 - "The Wizard of Oz" was released on the big screen by Warner Bros. 59 years after its original release.

1994 - Sweden voted to join the European Union.

A mommy went mad so we shot her

hi Guys,

Just thought I would let everyone know that Tam, akaExmi - Expensive Mistakes, has internet problems.

I'm sure she'll be back soon, though.

Picture This

1.Spell out your child's name in pictures:

Any guesses as to what The Kid's real name is?

Thrilling House Rules

Dear The Kid,

I know you are only 4 months old. However, the time has come to lay down some rules. Your co-operation in this regard would be appreciated. As you know, I have been going through some tough times. In order to prevent:

(a) being given away;

(b)being thrown in the rubbish bin; or

(c) being sold for cigarette and vodka money

please note that the following is now expected of you:

1. No more crying. I dont know what you want. If you want something, buddy, it's time to start talking.

2. Change your own nappy. How many times have I shown you where we keep the fresh nappies, baby wipes and bum cream? Do you need another demonstration?

3. Your bottles are relatively easy to make. Rinse bottles, place in steriliser, microwave for 5 mins. 240 ml of water, 4 scoops of formula. Make them yourself or go hungry.

4. This constant spitting up on me has got to stop. I'm tired of changing 50 times a day. If you feel the urge, please swallow repeatedly.

5. Bed time is 7pm. Please be tucked up and fast asleep by no later than stipulated hour. And furthermore, waking up at 3 am for a feed is unacceptable. A more acceptable waking hour is 9 am. And dont wake me.

If you have any questions, please dont hesitate to call Childline.

I'm told they care.

The above rules are effective immediately.

With love, (no, really)

Your Mother

You Have Future Mail

Dear The Kid,

Today, the day you are opening this letter, will be your 18th birthday. The day I am writing this, it is your 4 month birthday.

I wonder what you will look like - more like me or your father? Blonde with blue eyes or will you have my deep brown eyes? Will you be nerdy and smart like me, or a jock like your father? What will your plans be, for the next phase of your life?

As I sit here now, and watch you sleep, you're a whole 64 cm tall. How tall will you be now? You were probably taller than me by the time you were 7 years old. You weigh 7.4kg today - what will it be in the future?

Will you be a rugby player? A swimmer, like your dad wants you to be? Or a ballerina? (Hey, it's totally your choice). Whatever you choose to do, my boy, I will always support you and love you. There's nothing you could do that could ever make me disown you.

I just want you to know you're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. My most perfect creation. The only thing that I've ever done right. And although you weren't exactly planned, I wouldn't change a thing. Except perhaps love you more. If possible.

I look at you every day and marvel at the fact that I actually made you. That I grew you inside me for 40 weeks. That I could feel you moving and growing inside me. I could feel your hiccups, your bumps and jumps. It was amazing.

The first time I saw you I felt things I'd never thought I was capable of. I felt the strongest kind of love imaginable. Only stronger. Looking into your big blue eyes was incredible. Watching you grow and learn new things has been amazing. Hearing your little laughs and your snorts has made it all worthwhile.

My boy, I wish only the best for you. At this point in your life there are only possibilities before you. Your potential is infinite, and where-to-from-here is completely your choice. I hope that we have raised you and given you enough experience, wisdom and independence to make the decision that is right for you.

I dont care if I discourage you from doing something, if you really want to do it. Well then do it. I am your mother and will love you regardless. Dont do something because it makes us happy,do something because it makes you happy. The happier you are, the happier we will be.

And never forget....I'm proud of you.

I love you more than anything else in this world...

Or the next.

Love always,

Mom

xxx

Letters Into the Future

This week's homework takes the form of a letter.

You will write this letter to your kid(s), with the intention that he/she will receive it on an important milestone in their life.

This milestone can be anything - an age (16/18/21), an event (passing their drivers' licence, sex for the first time, going away to college....) or any time in the future you think is appropriate.

"Letters are among the most significant memorial a person can leave behind them." ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." ~C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939

"Your children tell you casually years later what it would have killed you with worry to know at the time." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

PS: if you're not a bad mommy, feel free to do the homework in the comments section, or on your own blog, and paste a link to it in the comments section!

How You Can Tell If You're A Bad Mommy

your kid sleeps with one eye open....

Sigh Of Relief

There I was thinking that my period was a week late. There I was thinking I'd have two anklebiters under the age of two years old. There I was thinking that The Boyfriend would freak out and leave me to be a single parent. There I was thinking I'd have to go through the whole morning sickness party again.

But I can breathe a sigh of relief. I'm not a parent-in-waiting-for-the-second time. Nope. Instead I only have one anklebiter. And a definite need to take my birth control regularly.

I just never learn my lesson, do I?

The Kid Got His Shots Yesterday

And has been unbearably miserable ever since. Took him to the Baby Clinic to get his vaccination boosters, and to get a check up and get weighed.

He's a whopping 7.4 kg and only 16 weeks old. He didn't cry much when he got the injection, but when we got home, all hell broke loose. He woke up hot, he woke up because he was too cold, he woke up because his dummy fell out his mouth, because he was miserable and because he was sore.

Eventually at about 3:30 am I gave up and passed the buck to The Boyfriend. Then I sat outside and had a cigarette and a bit of a quiet sob. Sneaked back into the bedroom, and The Kid was lying in the middle of the bed, with The Boyfriend rubbing his back. His eyelid were slowly drooping and he eventually nodded off. Every time I woke up to check on him, I saw he had schooched closer to The Boyfriend, and was practically sleeping in his armpit. It was very, very cute.

I'm a little jealous that The Boyfriend coped so well with The Kid. I dont know what's wrong with me. Patience seems to be in short supply this week.