Count the Bad Mommies

Friday, July 4, 2008

Feeling Bad

Okay, I know every mother goes through this, and I know it's not the end of the world, but I am feeling a little [okay, a LOT] guilty. Today is The Kid's first time at day care. It feels like I'm admitting that I'm not capable of looking after my own child by myself. Not capable of being a mother, because I have commitments other than my child. The first draft of my thesis is due on the 18th of July, and while I initially thought I'd be able to study while The Kid was home, I discovered I cannot. He demands my full attention.
Which I have now just deprived him of. And dumped him with a daymother. It was slightly heartbreaking, I wont lie. This morning, getting him dressed and ready, he seemed to sense my apprehension. Either that, or I was mistaking his usual moans and groans for something they weren't.
I walked into the daymother's house, with him on my hip, placed him on the playroom floor, and another kid crawled over to him with a ball. My kid took one look at this other baby, opened his mouth so his dummy fell out and just started bawling. And then most of the other kids started bawling too. They seem to set each other off. The daymother quickly ushered me out with assurances that my child would be just fine, he needs to adjust to other children. I didn't even get to kiss him goodbye. I know it's probably better that way, and he probably would have cried even more had I picked him up, but it made me feel awful.
If not for my sister who was with me, I probably would have cried. I managed to last a whole hour before I called the daymother to check on my child. She said he was perfectly happy, had just had his breakfast and was smiling and laughing. I couldn't hear crying in the background, so I was amazed she'd got my child to be quiet.
Oh well. All I can say is she's going to have her hands full with that one. I know I shouldn't worry, as she is the mother of one of The Boyfriend's closest friends, but I cant stop thinking about him!
Tell me it gets better? I know I'm being such a wet blanket, but it would be nice to hear other mommies' first-time-at-daycare experiences, please!!


Jenty said...

I think the worst part about taking your child to creche is finding out they're happy there! Especially on the first day! You want them to miss you damnit!

Tracey said...

I didn't even call that whole first day, I was so sad... In some ways it gets easier, but in others, harder... I actually quit around 15 months old as I couldn't handle it anymore. But I know that he WAS happy at daycare. He was loved. And if your kid is loved at daycare, that's all that matters.

Hope the next day is easier...

Kerryn said...

I fortunately had my mom around, but had to go back to work after three months maternity leave. The day before I was due back at work, I lay on my bed with Ciara and wept the whole day.

It really, really does get easier, if you child is happy.

It doesn't make you any less of a mom, and The Kid has to learn social skills.

Feel better soon and for the love of Ghandi - DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

angel said...

oh i so remember damien's "first days"... every single one of them broke my heart and made me feel like i was letting him down.
leaving him at daycare- would he be looked after and get enough attention? they don't know him like i do... did i tell them everything i could?
first day at school- shouldn't i be homeschooling? will he make friends? will his teacher be able to handle him? what if...!!?!
changing schools and starting highschool... it was the same each time!

strongs girl!

Anonymous said...

i abandoned my sprogs to the Charles Manson Family Daycare Center. it was difficult at first - much of the response of the child reflects the tone of the parent! if you say "sorry, dear. mommy has to leave you here so she can work" the kid will respond appropriately. if you say "hey, it's off to school today. the sun will rise, i'll love you forever, and i'll be back later!" they also respond appropriately.

best side benefit? after about 3 months of diarrhea, they develop the immune system of a cockroach. makes 'em tough.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

Even leaving my kids with grandparents for extended periods of time feels a little like I'm saying "You don't count as much as my vacation time."

But as you found out, children are resilient - that is a testament to your good mothering skills. Occasionally you will find yourself amazed (and a bit heartbroken) to realize he gets along pretty well without you for awhile.