Count the Bad Mommies

Thursday, July 17, 2008

7 Wonders of the Motherhood bubble...

So many crazy things come to mind, but, time being what it is with a four year old, here is my brief list:
I can no longer....
1. Swear like a sailor, I love swearing... it's like punctuation of the spoken word, unfortunately my daughters first recognisable phrase was "naughty damnit" which put my favourite phrases into hibernation faster than a good zip.
2. Finish a sentence, sorry...where was I?
3. Wander around naked with my husband... "mommy, why does your boob have an earring?" tends to lead directly to "nana, mommy's boobs have earrings"
4. Swing dance like a confident orangutang, barbie dolls, bicycles, doll houses and rollerskates create the most fascinating bruise patterns, its the mommy version of relating cloud forms to common shapes... One day I will complete my study of parenting bruises and win a nobel prize, that is, if I can complete a sentence.
5. Wear a bikini, one word "C- Section"
6. Go to festivals, no signal - no hope.
7. Blog, slacker slacker slacker....
I could extend it, but it seems I need to save a princess from a dragon...

Seven things i cannot do since i became a mommy

It is in my opinion that although we feel we are super moms sometimes there are a few things i can no longer do or perhapes CHOOSE no longer to do.

1. Sleep with my door locked. Now although this is done when mom and dad have some fun, it is unlocked at all other times. I want to get to them quickly and need to know they can get to me if need be.
2. Go shopping for clothes: and evan though sometimes i need to go shopping for myself i am overwhelmed with guilt and cannot leave the shops without buying everyone a little something.

3. SLEEP LATE: huh?? whats that

4. R E L A X: i think its time i get a dictionary and look these strange words up.

5. Sew. For the life of me i think i was demotivated by the fact that every single item of clothing had a hole in it somewhere, so i conveniently forgot how to sew.

6.Get sick: this is the problem i sit with now - i try the "get better after they are in bed" routine it seems to work okay. But no time for SICK mommies

7. Watch a late night movie - oh please i just sit for 5 minutes and my body cannot believe it is sitting and R E L A X I N G and i fall asleep instantly. I am worse than the kids at staying up.

my Introduction

So i am joining the Bad mommies blog and have been asked to post some things for an intro.

I have been a little sick so i have avoided pc's so i apologise for my late introduction.

Okay 3 things that perhapes you do not know about me:
1. I am in youth ministry in my church i work with High school kids
2. I secretly love being fat

3. Apparently champaign makes me feel single again


3 things about my kids

1. Secretly they are good kids

2. Both of them swear like sailors when they think i am not listening

3. Although not blood related they look more like each other than they do me.

my saying for being a mom: “It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” - The Golden Girls

okay famous mommy role model Bwhahahahahahhaha okay whatever - um i suppose Julia Roberts

If you could have one wish granted for your kid(s), what would it be?

That they were born knowing everything oh wait they already do. UM then my second choice would be - for PERFECT hearing at all times for the rest of their lives

seven things i cannot do since i became a mama...

1. Not be a kidlet person. I was the worst type of kidlet person. I could never understand why or how ANYONE would want to have a snot-nosed brat. Never mind two. Or god and heavens above, three, four or any number of them. Nowadays, you can't pass me in the street without me wanting to peer into your bundled package of cuteness.

2. Cook and eat a three-course meal. Nobody gets the chance to do the great big cookup and sitdown nowadays. wah. In my world, a sandwich and an orange make a good meal. Mind you, that's still pretty healthy.

3. Have cupboards that stay ordered. Heh. Anyone who has an inquisitive three-year old knows what I'm talking about.

4. Read and finish a book. I miss reading for days on end like I used to do! I get all my lit-love online nowadays.

5. Be sick and stay in bed. You know that saying 'no rest for the wicked'? yeah. no rest for sick mommies, hey.

6. Sleep in. Even if Cam isn't with me for a weekend and is with her dad, my brain wakes me up, every time, by 6am. Sob.

7. Work late. Wahaha. I have no idea why i feel bad about this.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

no can do's for sweets ;)

incapable of doing

now that you're a parent.

  • Number one: IGNORE THE KIDS WHEN THEY SAY THEY'RE HUNGRY...i hate cooking... i really do... so when I've dragged myself into the kitchen after working the whole day, cooking is just not at the top of my list for fun relaxing things... i cook, i serve, we eat, seconds anybody? ...then I do the dishes... after the kitchen is clean and after I've eaten all the leftovers... i flop down on the sofa with a goofy grin... 5 seconds later Jay says... Mom I'm hungry...
  • Number two: SLEEPING LATE... let me explain...I am capable of sleeping late but my kids are INCAPABLE of letting me... one morning i woke up with a kid both sides of my head ( I kept my eyes closed) and the one was whispering to the other... do you think she will be mad if we wake her up? LOL
  • Number three: BUYING CLOTHES FOR MYSELF... the ratio is probably 1:5... so for every one piece of clothing I get, they each get five...
  • Number four: USING MY HOME PC... i have no access to my own PC anymore... there is no time slot available!
  • Number five: SHOPPING FOR HOURS... except if we're shopping for toys... there is no time limit then... but having two irritable naughty boys around when you're shopping for lingerie... well it doesn't work...
  • Number six: BE ALONE IN THE BATHROOM... my ass would be on that toilet seat for 10.5 seconds... and there will be a knock on the door... enter unwelcome company :)
  • Number seven: EATING A TREAT BOUGHT ONLY FOR ME... i hate sharing my sweets and treats, but when puppy-dog eyes look at you...what to do?

I Just Can't

I am incapable of doing the following, since having The Kid...

1.... eating glazed donuts. Have you seen a snotty kids' face? The resemblance of said snotty child's face to a glazed donut is disgustingly alike.

2. ...pretending not to notice how, when other mommies walking their babies in prams past me, stare into my pram and have a look at my kid. I know, he's gorgeous. Dont be jealous. It's not your fault you got a butt ugly baby and mine is so perfect. I however, resist looking in their pram, just in case their kid truly is hideous, I wont be able to keep the look of shock off my face. But I do however glare at them.

3....leaving the house wearing a pristine, well-put together outfit. My clothes invariably are covered in milk stains, biscuit crumbs, fruit splotches and my accessories are usually in The Kids' mouth to keep him quiet and entertained.

4....staying awake past 9pm. I know my kid sleeps from 6pm to 6 am, but late nights are no longer an option for me. I used to be a serious night owl - studying often until 4 am, often pulling all-nighters in the library working on assignments. No longer. I am far too tired at the end of the day to make it past 9pm. Some nights I dont even see 8pm.

5....getting horribly, snot-flyingly drunk. No matter how much I drink, or how fast, I cannot get drunk. It's rather annoying. Even more annoying is the fact that the whole time I'm thinking how The Kid is going to wake me up at 6am, and looking after him with a hangover wont be fun.

6...skipping a meal. This was common practice pre-Kid. If I was going out that night, which was nearly ever night, I wouldn't eat. Now I eat as if the world depends on it.

7....fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes...I blame The Kid, the washing machine. Everything except the fact that I eat like the world depends on it!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Introducing Neen

1. Thing 1, Thing 2 and Thing 3, otherwise known as James, Hannah and Jonah.

2. Three things you wouldn't know about me:

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you'd know the good, the bad and the ugly about me, but here are 3 things you might not know:
a) I recently chopped all my hair off. I had waist-length hair for about 10 years, and long hair for another 10. I got sick of it and had it hacked. I'm fairly happy with it. Most days.
b) Most of the time, I feel like an imposter at everything: motherhood, my job and being a grown-up.
c) I wish I could write for a living. It would be a dream come true.

3. Some things you don't know about my kids:

a) I've assigned really odd nicknames to them all: James: Bubby; Hannah: Whirly; Jonah: Woolies. They all mean something special.
b) James is something of a maths and English prodigy. He surprises me sometimes.
c) Jonah is a mini-me.

4. Quote/saying that best describes the way I feel about being a mommy:

I'll quote myself: "Mommies are people too".

5. My Famous Mommy Role Model:

There's a famous mommy role model out there?

6. If I could have one wish granted for my kids, it would be:

to grow up confident and secure in who they are. Unlike their silly mommy.

narrowing my list to 7 things

Write a post in which you relate seven things that you are incapable of doing now that you're a parent.
  1. Going anywhere other than the front yard at the last minute - and even that requires deciding where to put the patio umbrella, finding a picnic blanket, gathering snacks & water bottles, and slathering on sunscreen
  2. Staying in bed past 8:00 a.m. without numerous requests for attention, breakfast, computer time, pigtails, lost toys, new toothbrush, et cetera
  3. Using the backseat of my car for anything other than hauling children or cultivating a granola bar farm from the crumbs
  4. Keeping a consistently clean & orderly house (I very much enjoy blaming that on parenthood)
  5. Being sick in peace (see #2)
  6. Having sex in any place the kids use for play [Needless to say, they may not play anywhere in our bedroom, or the garage. Or downstairs bathroom. Carry on]
  7. Pursuing a lucrative modeling career

Seven things I am incapable of doing now I am a parent:

1. See a new baby without getting all idiotically smiley and giggly.

2. Get through the day without saying at least three things no human being should ever have to say. For example: "No, Jackson, cat kibble does not belong up your nose."

3. Hear any sad child-related news story without sobbing big sobby tears.

4. See a pregnant lady without wanting to rush up to her and tell her that I was pregnant too once.

5. Not worry about the environment, crime, violence, the exchange rate etc.

6. Shake my booty. I have tried to dance post Jackson, but I have lost the rhythm and now I belong in the Parents that Dance Embarrassingly Badly Club.

7. Go clothes/book/grocery shopping for myself without buying at least three things for my child.

How about you?

[Write a post in which you relate your seven things]