Count the Bad Mommies

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Thrilling House Rules

Dear The Kid,

I know you are only 4 months old. However, the time has come to lay down some rules. Your co-operation in this regard would be appreciated. As you know, I have been going through some tough times. In order to prevent:

(a) being given away;

(b)being thrown in the rubbish bin; or

(c) being sold for cigarette and vodka money


please note that the following is now expected of you:


1. No more crying. I dont know what you want. If you want something, buddy, it's time to start talking.

2. Change your own nappy. How many times have I shown you where we keep the fresh nappies, baby wipes and bum cream? Do you need another demonstration?

3. Your bottles are relatively easy to make. Rinse bottles, place in steriliser, microwave for 5 mins. 240 ml of water, 4 scoops of formula. Make them yourself or go hungry.

4. This constant spitting up on me has got to stop. I'm tired of changing 50 times a day. If you feel the urge, please swallow repeatedly.

5. Bed time is 7pm. Please be tucked up and fast asleep by no later than stipulated hour. And furthermore, waking up at 3 am for a feed is unacceptable. A more acceptable waking hour is 9 am. And dont wake me.


If you have any questions, please dont hesitate to call Childline.


I'm told they care.


The above rules are effective immediately.


With love, (no, really)


Your Mother

7 comments:

Bridget said...

YOU HORRID MOTHER!!

HORRID!!

angel said...

having a bit of a tough time are we...?

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

bridget: aw shove it, lady.

sweets: i am indeed....

c@th said...

aish.

you know. this is totally how mothers who are unashamed of their feelings say they feel. enough of the 'oh its just wonderful' bullshit. thank you for writing this. i feel like less of a freak today.

X

sweets said...

oh dear... i have grown up babies... don't worry they do grow up sometime... ag ok... crap on me it's fine ;)

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

cath: thanks. knowing i'm not the only one makes me feel like less of a freak too.

sweets: but it takes SO LONG for them to grow up!

zoeyjane said...

exmi, i could be sensitive and pat your hand and say, "there, there, it will get better," but i don't like lying. maybe my experience is freak, but god, i miss the days when she would just fall asleep after a bottle or boob and all that was ever wrong with her involved either her ass, her tummy, her ears or her stomach. now, i get shit all over for not knowing the very very specific dora movie that should be playing.

like i said, hopefully, my experience is just shitty for me and things get easier for you. but it's totally fine to feel the way you do, lady.