Count the Bad Mommies

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I'm twobodies mother ;)


Sweets signing up for motherhood...
both my kids were planned, i loved being pregnant, i love everything about motherhood, i truly do...

what i didn't realise was that i was due to raise these two beasts alone, that was kind of a deal breaker, but i stepped up to the plate... and although mostly my single-mom-and-two-kids life is very very hard, and hugely overwhelming, I love every moment...
the big change for me came when I was a newly divorced single mom... we moved into our "new" place... and i had tremendous financial stress, the ex wasn't paying child maintenance yet and I was just flat broke (understatement of the century) and totally fucking ...
O~V~E~R~W~H~E~L~M~E~D...
i remember sitting on the backdoor step one day and just crying, didn't care who saw me or who heard me I just bawled... I was overwhelmed cause I realised for the first time in my life, the bucket stops right there at the backdoor step... with me...


if my kids were hungry, I had to feed them

if they got hurt, I had to pay for medical care

if our safety is threatened, I have to make sure they are safe

if their hearts were breaking cause they miss batman, I had to love them and make it all better

if they needed clothes, I had to buy them clothes

if they go to school, I have to pay the school fees

if they grow up without knowing God, I never taught them


needless to say things didn't change overnight, things slowly got better, very very slowly... and here I have to give thanks to my sister who literally phoned me every day and asked what I needed, if I needed anything... she gave it... and more.... and when I told her everything is fine, she persisted until I gave in and spilled the beans... she was relentless and I have no disillusions about the fact that if it wasn't for her... dear God I don't even want to think about it... she saved me and the boys in more ways than one.

the only times I don't feel like a mother is when I watch my kids play... or when I watch them do something and they are not aware that I'm watching, and I look at them, all healthy and happy and carefree... and I think... they are huge! they are happy! how on earth is it possible that they are mine? Amazing...
that and the one time when Kay was about two weeks old... we went out for an evening meal and I forgot him in the restaurant...sigh... true story :)

8 comments:

The Jackson Files said...

Sometimes when you write sweets, it's like you are writing from my head.

This is a really cool post, and I think Jay and Kay are super lucky to have a Mom like you.

btw, did you leave Kay at the restaurant on purpose? Like in exchange for the meal or something?

Arkwife said...

Sweets, that was truly inspiring. It's a real wake-up call to know that you're responsible for these kids' lives, and from what I can tell, you're doing great.

phd in yogurtry said...

I don't feel like a mother when I'm resentful that I can't do something -- go for a weekend getaway, travel, see as many movies as I want -- because of the responsibility of kids. We don't have family around, or not family that will step up and be our weekend nanny, so I've had to pretty much give up a lot of the wanderlust that's in my blood.

Its good to have a website that encourages this kind of admission. *This* side of parenting. It isn't all love & gush & gooey.

angel said...

fantabulous post! i am right there with you on so many of these points!

Globus said...

lol at leaving kay in the restaurant. globus has tried to child-proof his house, but the little buggers keep getting in.

sweets said...

jacks: no i didn't do it on purpose LOL... he was just so quiet... took some getting used to, to remember my handbag AND the baby ;) thanks for your kind words XXX

ark: jip, scary stuff...

phd: sacrifices... it takes it's toll i think, jip no gushing much around here :)

angel: sisterhood!!!

globus: and that's a bad thing why?
:)~

phillygirl said...

what a lovely photo of you guys! You can definitely see that they're your kids ;)

stephanie (bad mom) said...

You are all so gorgeous! And it sounds like what's going on inside is pretty beautiful, too.

blessings*