Count the Bad Mommies

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

And the Honour of Best Bad Mommy for 2008 goes to…

~~you can hear a mouse fart as a hush settles over the millions of watchers~~
~~the camera zooms in on the presenters dazzling smile~~

…can I have the envelope please…?

~~dramatic drum rolls in the background as Matt opens the envelope, smiling~~

…no surprise here ladies and gentlebloggers- the award goes to Angel, for “Raising Damien”!!!

~~naturally the crowd goes insane with applause and whistles~~
~~flowers are thrown and the paparazzi go bananas and balloons drop from the ceiling as I walk up the aisle~~
~~looking exquisite of course in a shimmering amethyst Versace gown, diamonds at my throat, fingers, ears, in my hair…~~

And then my boss asks me a question, boorishly ripping me from my own personal unreality.
Damn and blast.

Ahem. Okay, so I have my own little daydreams- admit it- we all do! You know the ones right?
Where my darling Damien is an “A” student and all round sports-kid and has an almost too long list of bestest best friends and gets invited to all the parties and then graduates summa cum laude from a prestigious varsity and make pots of money and the cover of “Time” magazine and writes a bestseller about his spectacular childhood.
Yes those ones.
I have them… still… though mostly now the daydreams are few and far between as I face the actuality of my 17 year old son’s abilities and issues whilst we make realistic plans. And I must admit that I still hope that by some miracle Damien will go to varsity and graduate and live comfortably and happily...
So what makes me a Bad Mommy I hear you ask? What makes me deserving of the “title” and the bloggy bling badge that’s up for grabs?
I’ll enlighten you shall I.

My darling Damien is invited back to friends houses over and over again, and nine times out of ten I get exemplary feedback when he’s been somewhere. The other time is “normal” hi-jinx that he is quickly forgiven for. He remembers his manners and saves all his worst for me.
Our shrink told me- officially- that I have NOT screwed him up entirely, despite my hard put upon child not being allowed to drink alcohol, drive, smoke cigarettes or have sex until he is legally allowed to.
If I pick him up and have to park over the road from the school or wherever, Damien gets ragged on good naturedly by his friends because he crosses the road at a zebra crossing- even if he has to walk a little out of his way to get to the crossing in order to get to my car.
He will hug me spontaneously, out of his own, for no apparent reason.
The principals and teachers of every school he has ever attended have all been issued with my cellphone number and email addresses so that I can be immediately contacted should they need to do so... and I am instantly recognised by all the staff! It drives Damien bananas when I am so uncool as to join the PTA and attend school meetings and parent teacher nights.
My darling Damien will put a highly sought over PS2 game or DVD back on the shelf if he turns it over and the age restriction is higher than he is allowed. He’ll pull a face- but he’ll put it back.
Damien loves to read. Years of bedtime stories and dragging him off to the library have paid off! Asterix and Obelix, Garfield, Harry Potter, magazines, Goosebumps, Terry Pratchett… and more recently Steven King.
He says he loves me.
My darling Damien is a medicated ADHDer. I was in denial for a long time- to his detriment- but he’s medicated and private schooled and treated and therapy’d now and I spare no expense when it comes to his treatment no matter what flak I get for it from those who hear me speak about his ADHD.
My darling Damien is always seeing things he knows others will like and it makes me all pink- fluffy-heart-like inside when he says things like “Sister B would love that!” “Sister C would love one of those...” “da Bruvva has always wanted that!” “Granny needs one of these.” “Nephew M likes those.”
My darling Damien knows me so well… if his granny darling takes him shopping for my birthday or Christmas or something he knows exactly what he wants to get and he knows exactly what I like.
And no I am not delusional- I know a lot of what he does is only because I am watching- I am pointedly not including his experimentation and bad habits in my list of “achievements” here, okay?

Now vote for me.


sweets said...

where do i vote???
where do i vote?????

that was BRILLIANT!!

where do i vote??????????

stephanie said...

Wait a minute - clearly you are a GOOD mom, raising up a kid who at 17 will spontaneously hug you and not try to sneak R rated movies...

Nice job :)